Are You Tea Party Material?

(I originally wrote this back in 2010. The "Tea Party" is a political organization that acts like it's grass-roots, but is in reality backed by wealthy donors and corporations in their efforts to reduce the influence of government. They managed to get several sympathetic politicians elected to office.)

Ever wonder if you would fit in with the Tea Party, the new political force that's sweeping the nation?

Answer these ten questions to see if this party is the party for you.

1. Do you believe that spending billions of dollars we don't have to provide more citizens with health care is a moral outrage, but spending billions of dollars we don't have on the military is a moral imperative?

2. Do you believe that reasoned debate is for egg-headed pansies, and the best way to get a point across is by some combination of yelling, process disruption, and violence?

3. Do you believe that is perfectly acceptable to publicly call someone a "liar," "n*gger," "f*ggot," or "baby killer" if that person isn't doing what you want them to?

4. Do you think the world's government and markets are secretly run by unseen, unelected figures operating from the Council on Global Affairs, the European Union, the Trilateral Commission, The Bilderberg Group, the Shriners, Skull and Bones, the Sacred Hand of the Twelve Tribes of Israel, and OPEC? And do you believe that all of these groups love nothing more than making White Americans' lives miserable?

6. Do you believe you would be a millionaire by now if only you didn't have to pay so many taxes?

7. Do you generally believe your life would be better if it wasn't for the trouble all those Muslims caused in the 2000s? Or all those illegal immigrants in the 1990s? Or those all gays in the 1980s? Or all those liberated women in the 1970s? Or all those Negroes in the 1960s?

8. Are Ronald Reagan and Ayn Rand your heroes? Do you think their philosophies (trickle-down economics, Objectivism, etc.) would work if people stopped being such liberal pussies and tried harder?

9. Do you think the best way to show your support for the second amendment is to bring loaded guns to public functions, especially if the President of the United States is nearby?

10. Do you believe Barrack Hussein Obama is secretly a Muslim, a Socialist, a Marxist, a Communist, a Fascist, a Radical Islamist, or some combination of these?

BONUS QUESTION
11. Do you believe that the U.S. government is a cesspool of waste, greed, incompetence and corruption that must be restricted and neutered to the fullest extent possible? Do you also believe that whatever the government does to foreigners and its own citizens is okay as long as they are protecting our freedom, and to say otherwise is treason?

If you answered yes to any two of these questions, congratulations, you might just make a great Tea Bagger, er, Tea Party member! Tough luck about the health care vote...