Monday, August 2, 2010

The ULTIMATE Purity Test


Back when e-mail was new and exciting, purity tests were all the rage. The text below is the last word in purity tests: 2000 questions, covering just about everything. I’ve reprinted the e-mail exactly as I received it many years ago, including names and e-mail addresses of the authors, as requested by them in the test.

Please note that this test is not appropriate for young folks. There are frank descriptions and dirty words scattered throughout the text, but it's nothing that can’t be found on 200 million other Web pages. Enjoy!


THE UNISEX PURITY TEST
VERSION 7.0c - 2000 QUESTIONS

This is the ultimate Purity Test! We had used the 1500 point Purity Test for over two years and heard the same complaints and questions. Aside from the fact that we had taken the same test so many times we wanted a change. So, we finally did something about it! Thanksgiving break of 1995 we (joe and jeff) sat down and re-wrote the damn thing! So, without further bullshit, here is the Purity Test 2000.

Table O' Contents
-----------------
Introduction
Genesis / History
Definitions
Scoring
Note to Test Administrator
Credits

I - The Lamer Section
II - Who Says You Need A Partner OR I'm The Best I've Ever Had III - How Low Will You Go?
IV - I Fought the Law and *I* Won
V - Mekka Lekka Hi, Mekka Hiney Ho
VI - Hey, Nice Shoes. Wanna Fuck?
VI - This Looks Like a Good Place for a Stick-Up
VIII - Something Smells Fishy Down Here
VII - Julia Child, Eat Yourself Out
IX - The Nitty and the Gritty
X - The Meaning Of Life
XI - Green Eggs and Ham
XII - Look, Ma, No Hands!
XIII - Kids, Don't Try This at Home
XIV - Don't Worry; I was a Boy Scout
XV - Mama Always Told Me to Share
XVI - Old MacDonald had his Farm, E-I-E-I-OHHHHHHH!
XVII - Let there be Lips!
XVIII - Eyes On Your Own Papers, Please
Epilogue
Warranty
Disclaimer

Public domain; no copyright. All rights wronged, all wrongs reversed. Up with going down. The risen flesh commands: let there be love. Murphy's law on sex: Love is a matter of chemistry; sex is a matter of physics. This document was not sponsored by the Department of Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency, and was not monitored by the Air Force Avionics Laboratory. The views and conclusions contained in this document should not be interpreted as representing the official policies, either expressed or implied, of the Defense Advanced Projects Agency or the US Government. Neither should it be interpreted nor inferred that the authors/contributors have actually performed any or all the actions contained herein, bu t they most likely have (and liked it).

Feel free to distribute at Will (or anyone else you know, for that matter), but please leave the credits in...we worked hard, dammit!

Genesis / History:

Version 1 (100) - sometime before 1982
Created at MIT's Baker House. Two parallel versions; one for male, and one for female. Very little is known about this version.

Version 2 (247) - spring 1983
Expanded to 247 questions. This marked the beginning of the unisex version. The story goes that they intended it to be 250 questions, but became tired that night and said "We'll think of three more tomorrow," and tomorrow never got there.

Version 3.5 (400) - April 10, 1985
First formal release. All former versions were short-lived and tended to be bug-ridden. Does not discriminate against gays or bi's. Added in Genesis/History section, instructions, scoring, and warranty.

Version 3.5a (400) - April 13, 1985
Found there were 431 questions instead of 400. After an all-night hack session, problem was fixed.

Version 3.5c (400) - January 17, 1988
Finished up at Yale. Final version of the 400 point test EVER!
Feel special if you own a copy.

Version 4.0 (500) - April 23, 1988
Those snotty Yale kids thought that 400 wasn't enough for them. Added 100 questions "just to show 'em."

Version 5.0 (1000) - sometime in the late ‘80s
It was decided that 500 questions wasn't enough. Created to be the Purity Test to end all Purity Tests. However, it lost a lot of the "fun" of the earlier versions and got boring to take.

Version 5.0a (1000) - January 4, 1992 A copy of the 1000 point version got into my hands. Big mistake. Typos were gotten rid of and the introduction was made clearer.

Version 6.0-6.6b (1500) - April 19, 1992 - August 17, 1992
1500 questions. Bestiality, Group Sex, RHPS, Kitchen Utensil, and Cult sections added. Extra credit eliminated. Sections put in more logical order. Genesis/History sections and intr oduction from 500 point version reinstated. Answer sheet made.

Version 6.6c (1500) - March 25, 1993
I finally went to college and got an Internet address, and was shocked to find that the test had actually been distributed. So, I decided to edit out any more errors that I found and change the introduction. However, I didn't change all the grammatical pronoun errors (using he/she instead of they, his/hers instead of theirs, etc.), because it would have been a pain in the ass. You know what it means; deal with it. Finished up at Miami University in Peabody Hall (Western Campus! Yay!).

Version 7.0a (2000) - November 23 and 25, 1995 (compiled December 10, 1995)
We got sick of the same old complaints and questions, so we (joe and jeff) decided to take it upon ourselves to re-write the thing. We deleted many of the questions, added even more (and a new section), and re-arranged a little, along with re-doing a few of the intro stuff and definitions. It took two all-niters to do (not including typing it out), but wasn't all that bad. Fixed some grammatics and the few mechanical errors.

Written on Microsoft Word for Windows 6.0c, under the Norton Desktop.
Not released (had some fine tuning to get finished).

Version 7.0b (2000) - December 11, 1995
Almost final copy of the Purity Test 2000. A few questions (about 100) had to be added, as we were short. No big deal. A few errors corrected. Limited Distribution. Feel warm and squishy if you got a copy.

Version 7.0c (2000) - December 12, 1995
The Final Draft of the Purity Test 2000. No major corrections. Decided to ditch the answer sheet for three reasons: 1) I (jeff) didn't want to make a new 2000 question format; 2) it's a big waste of space, and thus bandwidth; 3) did anybody ever use tha t thing before, anyway? (at a Purity Test Party, you'd need around ten copies! yeah, right!). Some re-formatting had to be done to get the thing ready for text format. (incidentally, you can feel free to write to one of us and ask for a nice, neat Word formatted copy. they're much nicer)

Full Public Release (in other words, this is the version you have).

Instructions for Use:
This is a fairly long test consisting of 2000 questions. It starts out tame and gets progressively worse (or better, depending on your viewpoint). There are many ways of going about taking this test. You can, of course, as your right, guaranteed by the Constitution, be anti-social and sequester yourself in your room and take this test all by yourself; however, we feel that the most fun way to use this test is to hold a Purity Test Party. All you need is one copy of the test, and a bunch of friends. (Lots of writing implements and paper would be useful too.)

The person with the copy of the test is the test administrator; s/he reads the questions out loud and everybody else writes down their answers. There is no definite rule whether the participant s are required to divulge their answers; that is up to the group to decide. However, being open with your answers leads to some great conversations.

But no matter what you decide, each person's purity score should be made common knowledge. (The person with the highest (or lowest) score gets to be giggled at for the rest of his/her life.) This works wonderfully at parties and lets everybody know who's easy and who isn't, so you'll know who to go home with. Don't leave home without it

On the whole, this is biased for experience and, hence, age. If you're still too young to qualify, well, these things take time. Chaste makes waste. Virginity can be cured. Remember: the conjugation is "I am erotic, You are kinky, They are perverts."

All questions in this test pertain to events that have happened to you subsequent to your weaning and babyhood/infancy. Anything that may have happened before that time is considered not standing and void.

Definitions (for the innocent, naive, or too busy):

Necking: the kissing or stroking of a person's head or neck, the stroking of arms, hands or back. Essentially cuddling. Nothing too serious.

Petting: the above plus the caressing or fondling of other portions of anatomy; through or underneath clothing. In other words, making out.

Sexual activity: all the above, plus what your puerile imagination dreams up. Doesn't necessarily mean penetration (but it can).

Other-Half: Boyfriend, Girlfriend, Spouse, Slave, Master, Mistress, Kept Man, etc.

Posslq: "Person of the Opposite Sex Sharing Living Quarters." Term lifted from the U.S. census form. Nice colloquialism for live-in lover.

Masturbation: voluntary touching of one's own genitals for purposes of receiving pleasure. Doesn't imply orgasm. Can be through clothing.

Mutual Masturbation: Technically, two (or more) people masturbating, who also happen to be together (only touching themselves). For purposes of this test, however, mutual masturbation will also be defined as two (or more) persons manually stimulating one another. Again, not necessarily to orgasm, and possibly through clothing.

Scoring:

This is a yes-or-no test, you don't really need to mark the no's, as you can easily subtract the total yes answers from 2000, and magically, you have the total no answers! We recommend counting with the little five-grouping technique (you know, four vertical slashes, and one diagonal across them for each group of five). When you are finished, count all the "yes" answers and divide that number by 20. That is your "percentage impurity." If you decide you'd rather have a percentage of purity, subtract t he total yes's from 2000, and divide that number by 20. Basic math stuff.

We would now like to bring to your attention that there is no passing nor failing score. Therefore,
one really shouldn't worry too much about getting a high (or low) score...even if you do get giggled at for the rest of your life. We would also like to s ay that it is essentially impossible to get a "perfect" score (either pure or impure). So, don't worry, you can't look TOO dirty or innocent.

--- ALL TECHNICALITIES COUNT ---
And, most of all, this is entertainment. Have as much fun in the taking as was had in the making.

Note to the test administrator:
Even though we tried to prevent it, this test can get monotonous. Try to "liven" it up by adding comments and goofiness wherever you want. Encourage testees to be open with their answers. Taking a break is allowed, but not recommended (you just get out of "the mood" to quickly). Plan on a few hours.

All right. Order some pizza. Get a keg. Smoke a bowl. Drop a hit. Whatever. Basically, have a party.

Perverts Anonymous Qualification Exam
Version 7.0c December 12, 1995 5:14.21pm
original primary writer: Steamed Rhubarb Fondue (P7A77)
original contributing writers: Wolvorine (Owen Kuhn), Astra(JAN!), and friends and family of The Erotic Nightmare Revue.
re-write authors: boinger (jeff) and joe with a bit of help from vicki, jana and jen.
E-mail any questions or comments to: jbazeley@umich.edu - (joe) or vierjw@ucunix.san.uc.edu - (boinger)

I. The Lamer Section
(Good Clean, 'Wholesome' Activities - 114 Questions)

Have you:
1. held hands with someone?
2. hugged somebody?
3. kissed a friend as a friendly gesture?
4. kissed a friend as an unfriendly gesture?
5. kissed a stranger as a friendly gesture?
6. kissed a stranger as an unfriendly gesture?
7. slow danced?
8. copped a feel while slow dancing?
9. slam danced?
10. copped a feel while slam dancing?
11. ballroom danced?
12. dirty danced ("grinding" counts. may be without a partner)?
13. asked someone who you were not going out with and had never gone out with if he/she was a virgin?
14. French kissed?
15. necked?
16. petted (not like what you do to your cat)?
17. attended sub races, watched for UFO's, or similar useless activity?
18. been the organizer of sub race watching, UFO watching, or similar useless activity?
19. hot tubbed in mixed company (Jacuzzi or hydropool)?
20. hot tubbed in the nude?
21. hot tubbed in the nude in mixed company?
22. while hot tubbing been groped under the water (by someone else)?
23. while hot tubbing groped someone under the water?
24. saunaed or steam bathed in mixed company?
25. in the nude?
26. in the nude in mixed company?
27. put suntan lotion, cocoa butter, or baby oil on someone (at beach or pool)?
28. had someone put suntan lotion, cocoa butter, or baby oil on you (at beach or pool)?
29. put suntan lotion, cocoa butter, or baby oil on someone at a time when they didn't "need it (not in the sun)?
30. had someone put suntan lotion, cocoa butter, or baby oil on you when you didn't "need" it?
31. played post office (or other kissing game)?
32. played pony express (post office with more horsing around)?
33. played doctor?
34. played Twister?
35. played Naked Twister?
36. played Monopoly?
37. played naked Monopoly?
38. played naked Monopoly involving physical contact ("I'll go down on you for Pennsylvania Avenue.")?
39. been hit by a thrown chalk eraser?
40. been hit by a chalk eraser thrown by the teacher?
41. been in intellectual combat with an unarmed person, and not given them a running head start?
42. slept on watch?
43. slept in your undies?
44. slept in someone else's undies?
45. slept in the nude?
46. slept with someone else (that is, you were actually unconscious with another unconscious person)?
47. slept nude with someone else?
48. slept with a nude person (you need not be nude yourself)?
49. slept in class?
50. Were you the teacher (professor, teaching assistant, etc.)?
51. upon waking , found your face in a puddle of drool (not necessarily your own)?
52. interrupted a lecture with your snoring?
53. slept in class in the nude?
54. bundled (the sharing of sleeping arrangements by persons of the opposite sex while clothed. In theory, nothing goes on.)?
55. played footsie or 'kneesie'?
56. played footsie or 'kneesie' with someone not your date, or other-half?
57. been unable to bundle without something steamy happening?
58. been in a food fight?
59. started a food fight?
60. photocopied parts of your body, such as your face, hands or feet?
61. read the Song of Solomon?
62. read National Geographic?
63. skimmed National Geographics for "good parts"?
64. kissed and told?
65. been unable to cuss someone out in language acceptable in polite society (e.g. is your cursing run of the mill)?
66. cussed someone out above their vocabulary capabilities?
67. used 'fuck' as a noun, adverb, adjective, pronoun, infix, suffix, prefix or prepositional article in a sentence?
68. used 'fuck' (or a form of 'fuck') in all the aforementioned grammatical constructs in a single sentence (we're not giving going to figure out an example)?
69. done something that you don't want someone to know about (parents, employer, other-half,
roommate)?
70. never been amused about something you thought too embarrassing to explain to another person?
71. talked in your sleep?
72. conversed in your sleep?
73. cussed in your sleep?
74. walked in your sleep?
75. driven in your sleep (this is not falling asleep driving, this is you were asleep, in bed [or wherever] and you got up [still asleep] and went to your car and drove it)?
76. woken up having done something that might be considered really stupid (i.e. with a bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your hand, and a really bubbly-feeling stomach [true story])?
77. worn a strapless gown?
78. worn a strapless gown in public?
79. slept through class (as in, you were not in class, but, rather, asleep somewhere else)?
80. intentionally skipped class?
81. skipped class with teacher?
82. slept through and exam or test (either in or out of the class)?
83. skipped an exam or test?
84. skipped an exam or test with the teacher?
85. had someone refuse to be with your because you whistled dirty songs?
86. had someone refuse to be with you because you wouldn't take your hand out of your pants?
87. been a bore (not a pig-like thing in a previous life)?
88. been bar hopping?
89. been on a pub crawl (bar hopping while sloshed)?
90. been overcome by celibacy and didn't like it?
91. been overcome by celibacy and didn't really mind?
92. been afraid you were slipping into monogamy?
93. been afraid you were slipping into polygamy?
94. been to a cocktail party?
95. drank beer because you liked to piss?
96. tried to figure out how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop (it's NOT three)?
97. had a Chia Pet?
98. had a Chia Pet that "lived" for more than a week?
99. had a Chia Head?
100. dyed or painted a pet strange colors (green, pink, purple, etc.)?
101. dyed your hair an outrageous color?
102. dyed your hair an outrageous color deliberately?
103. dyed your pubic hair an outrageous color deliberately?
104. dyed your pubic hair an outrageous color accidentally (if you answer 'yes' to this, we think it's story time)?
105. owned a Slinky?
106. ever gotten the damn thing to go all the way down the steps (staircases of less than five stairs don't count)?
107. hung a Slinky out a window?
108. owned a Bill The Cat doll?
109. hung Bill from the ceiling?
110. thrown Bill down the stairs?
111. thrown Bill out a window?
112. videotaped a throwing of Bill for later playback?
113. hung a stuffed animal in effigy?
114. owned or driven a VW Microbus (with the shovels and rakes and implements of destruction)?

II. Who Says You Need a Partner? OR I'm The Best I've Ever Had
(Autoerotica and Mono-Sexualism - 139 Questions)
(while the actions described here are usually done in private, it counts if others were present)

Have you:
115. scratched and sniffed any catalog?
116. scratched and sniffed any person?
117. been sexually aroused?
118. been sexually aroused for no apparent reason (just walking down the street, watching the weather channel, etc.)?
119. had an arousing or sexually explicit dream (Wet Dreams and the like)?
120. skinny-dipped alone (bath tub doesn't count)?
121. read or bought erotic, pornographic or sexually explicit periodicals (often pronounced "dirty magazines")?
122. read or bought pornographic material that might be described as really gross?
123. subscribed to any erotic, pornographic or sexually explicit periodicals?(include alt.sex, alt.sex.whatever)
124. read erotic, pornographic or sexually explicit books?
125. read classic pornographic books (Candy, Fanny Hill, Naked Came the Stranger)?
126. been bored while reading erotic, pornographic or sexually explicit literature?
127. written erotic, pornographic or sexually explicit literature?
128. written lust letters?
129. written lust letters to yourself anonymously?
130. misspelled 'dirty' words?
131. misspelled other words as 'dirty' words?
132. read any sex manuals (e.g. Joy of Sex, Everything you always wanted to Know about Sex)?
133. Did you find them too complicated?
134. read Krafft-Ebing's Psychopathia Sexualis?
135. read the Kama Sutra?
136. not believed that humans could bend that way?
137. proven yourself wrong?
138. used the Kama Sutra as a checklist (or shopping list)?
139. read any Presidential report on obscenity?
140. underlined, or marked 'good' parts?
141. made an obscene phone call anonymously?
142. made an obscene phone call and identified yourself?
143. received an anonymous obscene phone call?
144. received an obscene phone call from someone you knew (phone sex doesn't count)?
145. received an obscene phone call and had it turn you on?
146. called any phone sex numbers (recorded or live)?
147. called a 1(800) phone sex number and tried to guess a credit card number?
148. Did it work?
149. recorded an obscene call for later playback?
150. worked at a live phone sex number?
151. had phone sex with a friend?
152. had phone sex with a complete stranger (dedicated phone sex numbers don't count)?
153. had computer sex with a friend (like phone sex, but using a chat program instead)?
154. had computer sex with a stranger?
155. masturbated (if you either blush at this question or answer 'no' to it, give up now and go listen to some Lawrence Welk)?
156. masturbated on a regular basis (more than once a week)?
157. masturbated on a set schedule (OOPS, gotta go, Mom. It's time for my 3:00 jerk-off)?
158. masturbated to orgasm (isn't that the point?)?
159. masturbated to orgasm more than four times in 24 hours?
160. masturbated to orgasm more than ten times in 24 hours?
161. masturbated to orgasm more than 24 times in 24 hours (yup, Bob, that'd be once an hour for a full day)?
162. masturbated to multiple orgasm?
163. fainted while masturbating as a result of orgasm?
164. target-practice masturbated (females, too; it IS possible)?
165. masturbated with a pillow or mattress?
166. masturbated onto a houseplant?
167. masturbated with a houseplant (as in, rubbing yourself with a houseplant, not masturbating at the same time as a houseplant)?
168. tried to masturbate with a houseplant you didn't realize (until it was too late) was prickly (damn cactus!)?
169. used an masturbatory aid (dildo, pocket pussy, etc.)?
170. used an inflatable doll for masturbating?
171. used a stuffed animal for masturbating?
172. masturbated against a house-hold appliance (i.e., washing machine on spin cycle)?
173. masturbated with food?
174. eaten the food afterward?
175. fed someone else the food afterward?
176. fed someone else the food without them knowing what you did to it?
177. fantasized about someone while masturbating?
178. fantasized about someone masturbating while masturbating?
179. fantasized about someone fantasizing about you masturbating while masturbating?
180. fantasized about someone of the opposite sex masturbating while masturbating?
181. fantasized while masturbating that you were of the opposite sex?
182. masturbated while reading erotic, pornographic or sexually explicit literature?
183. masturbated while reading textbooks (biology or human sexuality doesn't count)?
184. masturbated while watching an R, NC-17, or X rated movie in private (cable, videotape, or film)?
185. masturbated while watching an R, NC-17, or X rated movie in public (a theater)?
186. masturbated while on the phone (no kinky interpretations of "on the phone". This means you were talking to somebody through the phone lines while you were masturbating. The other party need not know what you were doing, you little pervert)?
187. masturbated while driving?
188. masturbated in a car with someone else driving?
189. masturbated in a public bathroom?
190. masturbated in a public bathroom of the opposite sex?
191. masturbated in any public place?
192. masturbated in the wild?
193. masturbated where there was the possibility of being caught?
194. been caught masturbating?
195. adjusted your genitals in public (you'd think they'd be set at the factory)?
196. tried to perform oral sex on yourself (yes, it IS possible)?
197. successfully performed oral sex on yourself?
198. Did you have an orgasm?
199. Did you swallow?
200. "basted" yourself (inserting a turkey baster into a major orifice and doing the suction thing)?
201. inserted anything into your rectum and then walked around all day (with whatever it was still in your
ass)?
202. insert anything into or fasten anything around your genitals and walk around all day with it in place?
203. affected an accent (SCA or Theater doesn't count)?
204. permanently affected an accent (Downtown Julie Brown was born and raised in NYC)?
205. asked a female friend, of her new male friend, '.. is he hung'?
206. sent a candygram?
207. sent a strip-o-gram?
208. done a strip tease for someone else?
209. done a strip tease for yourself?
210. done a strip tease for relatives ("Thanksgiving dinner will have to wait because, Julie's going to STRIP FOR US!!")?
211. been to a burlesque show (Rocky Horror counts)?
212. been to a peep show?
213. been to a live sex show?
214. been to an erotic, pornographic or sexually explicit movie?
215. been to a private showing of an erotic, pornographic or sexually explicit movie (The classic 'stag' party, even if you're female)?
216. held a private showing of an erotic, pornographic or sexually explicit movie?
217. "acted" in an erotic, pornographic or sexually explicit movie?
218. held a showing of the movie you were in?
219. practiced autoerotic asphyxia (trying to heighten your sexual pleasure through semi-suffocation)?
220. bought a codpiece?
221. made a codpiece?
222. worn a codpiece?
223. bought a padded bra?
224. "padded" a bra?
225. worn a padded bra (or improvised breasts)?
226. wished you were of the opposite sex?
227. decided that if you were to be of the opposite sex you'd want to be homosexual?
228. had a friend of the opposite sex that you traded clothes with?
229. had a sex change operation (they do amazing things with Velcro)?
230. woke up having had a sex change involuntarily?
231. worn clothing that was "revealing" (either of your figure, or that emphasized 'strategic' locations)?
232. worn clothing that you didn't know was THAT revealing (like the seat has ripped out or such)?
233. gone for more than one day in the same set of underwear?
234. gone for more than one week in the same set of underwear?
235. been in public without wearing underwear?
236. regularly not worn underwear?
237. photocopied personal portions of your anatomy (tits, ass, or genitals)?
238. used them for Christmas (or other holiday) cards?
239. programmed a computer to orgasm (yours)?
240. programmed a computer to orgasm (the computer's)?
241. cruised (in an automobile)?
242. cruised the bars?
243. cruised the gay bars?
244. cruised the leather bars?
245. cruised the parallel bars?
246. used toys to act out fantasies (Barbie dolls, My Little Pony, GI Joe, Legos, etc.)?
247. owned an erotic art piece (like the cat woman's phallic symbol in A Clockwork Orange)?
248. bought a piece or art not realizing that it was erotic?
249. sculpted an erotic art piece out of a sculptable material (clay, wood, soap, etc.)?
250. sculpted anything erotic out of food (mashed potatoes, etc.)?
251. eaten the erotic food?
252. made an X rated snowman (or woman)?
253. engage sexually with said snowperson (Be sure you get verbal consent!)?

III. How Low Will You Go?
(Ethical Considerations -- 221 Questions)

Have you:
254. told bad jokes?
255. made puns?
256. accidentally made puns?
257. made puns on obscenities (e.g. "knock knock." 'who's there? ' "fornication", 'fornication who'
"fornication like this you should wear a black tie")?
258. flubbed a punch line?
259. told a joke knowing that you had forgotten the punch-line?
260. worked at a fast-food place?
261. worked at a fast-food place for over a year?
262. worked at a fast-food place for over three years without at least becoming a manager?
263. held a grudge (sort of soft and squishy)?
264. recited limericks?
265. recited dirty limericks("There once was a man from Nantucket/Whose dick was so long...")?
266. written dirty limericks?
267. served cheap booze?
268. passed cheap booze as the expensive stuff?
269. not paid your library fines?
270. borrowed a book under someone else's name just so you wouldn't have to give it back?
271. lied?
272. lied to somebody at somebody else's request?
273. lied about your sexual preference to avoid a date?
274. committed adultery (technically it's only if you were married, but counts if you weren't)?
275. started a fight?
276. started a bar fight?
277. started a brawl?
278. started a riot?
279. started a war?
280. instigated a raid (panty or otherwise)?
281. instigated a border raid?
282. instigated a border war?
283. watched Benny Hill, Monty Python, Dr. Ruth, or Talk Soup?
284. watched primetime soaps?
285. watched primetime soaps regularly (every week, day, whatever)?
286. watched primetime soaps regularly and felt stupid (i.e. you hate Melrose Place, but end up watching it every week anyway)?
287. considered romance to be whatever gets him/her out of his/her clothes?
288. considered anything more than a towel "overdressed"?
289. not considered living together without benefit of clergy or legal sanction a sin (can't live in sin if you don't believe in it)?
290. not respected the sanctity of living in sin (e.g., hit up on someone regardless of whether they lived with another)?
291. implied greater (non-sexual) experience than you actually possessed?
292. implied greater sexual experience than you actually possessed?
293. implied lesser (non-sexual) experience than you actually possessed?
294. implied lesser sexual experience than you actually possessed (lying to parents doesn't count)?
295. not thought it promiscuous having different partners annually?
296. not thought it promiscuous having different partners monthly?
297. not thought it promiscuous having different partners weekly?
298. not thought it promiscuous having different partners daily?
299. not thought it promiscuous having different partners at a time?
300. had sex with someone whose name you didn't know at the time?
301. had sex with someone whose name you still don't know?
302. had sex with someone whose name you don't remember?
303. had sex with someone whose name you don't want to know?
304. had sex with someone whose language you don't (or didn't) know?
305. had sex with someone whose face you never saw?
306. had sexual activity (not necessarily intercourse) with someone ten or more years younger than you?
307. had sexual activity with someone ten or more years older than you?
308. had sex (penetration) with someone half your age?
309. had sex with someone twice your age?
310. had sex with someone for revenge (on them, on their current or ex-, on your current or ex-)?
311. been thought to have installed a 'take-a-ticket' machine (as in 'now serving number...')?
312. felt that it would be a good investment to install a condom machine on your wall?
313. gone to a motel for the sole purpose of sexual activity?
314. traveled to another city for the sole purpose of sexual activity?
315. lied about how old you were for purposes of sexual activity?
316. lied about how old you were to obtain alcohol?
317. lied about how old you were for the hell of it?
318. broken your word, vow or promise?
319. told someone you loved them when you did not?
320. not told someone you loved them when you did?
321. been nice to someone in hopes of having sex with them?
322. been mean to someone in hopes of having sex with them?
323. told someone that you loved them strictly because you wanted sex with them?
324. fantasized during sexual activity about somebody other than the one present during sexual activity?
325. fantasized during sexual activity that your partner was of the opposite gender (than THEY were)?
326. fantasized during sexual activity that you were somebody else?
327. fantasized during sexual activity that you were of the opposite gender?
328. fantasized during sexual activity that you were of another species?
329. fantasized during sexual activity about Smurfs (or any cartoon character)?
330. faked orgasm (guys too)?
331. been caught faking?
332. caught someone faking?
333. not cared if they were faking or not?
334. told them they were great when they weren't?
335. told someone that their sexual skill was "lacking"?
336. intentionally 'eavesdropped' while others were engaged in sexual activity?
337. blown snot rockets?
338. blown snot rockets onto someone?
339. blown snot rockets onto someone during sexual activity?
340. plotted conspiracy?
341. plotted murder?
342. plotted a parabola or hyperbola?
343. shown erotic, pornographic or sexually explicit movies or videos to get someone else in the mood?
344. shown erotic, pornographic or sexually explicit movies or videos to get yourself in the mood ("oh, shit, you again?...where's my porno?)?
345. used alcohol to lower someone else's inhibitions about sexual activity?
346. used alcohol to lower your inhibitions about sexual activity?
347. used another drug to lower someone else's inhibitions about sexual activity?
348. used another drug to lower your inhibitions about sexual activity?
349. dipped into capital (been unable to live on one's investment income. If you have to ask the answer is 'no.')?
350. kited checks?
351. used credit cards without the owner's consent or knowledge?
352. traded on inside information?
353. traded on blind luck?
354. ignored someone because you didn't want to admit you had sex with them?
355. been ignored by someone because they didn't want to admit that they had sex with you?
356. ignored someone because you weren't sure if you had sex with them and you didn't want to know?
357. wanted something or someone that someone else has, simply because they have it and you don't (coveted)?
358. gone on a date in one night with two or more people with each person unaware of the other(s)?
359. gone on a date in one night with two or more people with all aware of the other(s)?
360. gone steady with two or more people with each person unaware of the other(s)?
361. gone steady with two or more people with all aware of the other(s)?
362. implied having had sex with someone when you hadn't?
363. denied having had sex with someone when you had (not telling your parents is merely survival)?
364. gossiped?
365. gossiped about yourself?
366. had a "sex contest" with friends?
367. lost a sex contest?
368. won a sex contest?
369. lied to be declared winner of a sex contest?
370. been in military service?
371. been denied (for whatever reason) admittance to the military?
372. woke up in the military service (often accompanied by a severe hangover)?
373. put an ad in the persons to persons?
374. put an ad for a sex partner?
375. gotten one?
376. advertised for a sex partner including a photograph?
377. advertised for a sex partner including a photograph of "strategic body parts"?
378. answered an advert for a sex partner?
379. exited through a window because someone came home unexpectedly?
380. taken someone someplace to be seen in their company?
381. taken someone someplace to be seen in their company by someone in particular?
382. taken someone someplace specific so as not to be seen in their company?
383. beaten someone severely for no reason (ala A Clockwork Orange)?
384. been in a wet T-shirt contest?
385. won a wet T-shirt contest?
386. judged a wet T-shirt contest?
387. been in a whose-better-physically-equipped contest (guys or girls)?
388. won a whose-better-physically-equipped contest (zzzip...'thud')?
389. participated in a "sword-fight" with yours or somebody else's naughty bits (use your imagination)?
390. given your kids unusual names based on puns (Shanda Lear, Laurel Ann Hardy)?
391. given your kids unusual names in general (Dweezel)?
392. named your child after a porn star (John Holmes Smith, Amber Lynn Cunningham, etc.)?
393. named your child after a porn star without the other parent knowing the origin of the name?
394. given your cat, dog or other furry-type animal a mohawk or a punk hairdo?
395. gone to a scary movie?
396. gone to a scary movie as an excuse to get close to someone?
397. fed someone 'treif' (non-kosher food.)?
398. mixed meat and dairy?
399. eaten 'treif'?
400. eaten during daylight during Ramadan?
401. eaten read meat on Friday?
402. eaten horse meat?
403. eaten human meat (actually swallowed and eventually digested it)?
404. fed someone dog food?
405. fed a vegetarian meat without their knowledge?
406. been in a gross out contest?
407. been in a gross out contest, and won?
408. hired someone more for their looks?
409. wife-(or husband) swapped?
410. wanted to trade them in for a working model?
411. been willing to trade 'em off cheap?
412. flirted with relatives?
413. flirted with in-laws?
414. told somebody something "for their own good"?
415. told somebody something supposedly "for their own good," but you really just wanted to hurt their feeling or piss them off?
416. had sex using birth control pills?
417. had sex using a condom , diaphragm or other barrier method?
418. had sex using a polyurethane male condom (Avanti)?
419. used a Reality Female Condom (try them, they're great)?
420. had sex without the use of a birth control method more effective than prayer (Oh, God, don't let me/her get pregnant)?
421. had sex without the use of even prayer (they call people who do this frequently "parents")?
422. had sex with no protection, but then used the "morning after pill"?
423. had sex with the "pull-out" method of birth control?
424. pulled out and come in his/her mouth (or had someone pull out and come in your mouth) so as to not have to clean up afterwards?
425. had (or taken someone to have) an abortion?
426. paid for an abortion (purchasing RU486 and the like counts)?
427. performed an abortion (pennyroyal tea and the like counts)?
428. welshed on a bet or wager?
429. offered sexual favors as payoff for a wager?
430. been refused ("I think I'd rather have my dollar back.")?
431. offered another person's sexual favors as payoff for your wager?
432. offered another person's sexual favors for no good reason?
433. feared that you might be (or caused someone to be) unintentionally pregnant?
434. found out that you were (or caused someone to be) unintentionally pregnant?
435. drooled on someone?
436. had someone drool on you?
437. paid someone to drool on you?
438. always accepted sex (never refused it regardless of race, creed, color, religion, age, gender, condition, or politics)?
439. accepted sloppy seconds (it's better than nothing)?
440. had sex with someone who was merely doing you a favor?
441. coerced someone into having sex with you (you were going to be impossible to be with unless your hormone level was lowered)?
442. offered sex for money or other consideration (a better grade, raise, drugs, etc.)?
443. accepted sex for money or other consideration (a better grade, raise, drugs, etc.)?
444. demanded sex for money or other consideration ("Put out or walk" / "I'll scream if you don't" are but the more blatant forms)?
445. cashed in your soda-pop can lids (the ones that if you get it off the can in once piece you get a free fuck)?
446. been offered a sympathy fuck?
447. accepted a sympathy fuck?
448. offered a sympathy fuck?
449. had someone accept your offer of a sympathy fuck?
450. offered a sympathy fuck, and been rejected (time to go back to the masturbation section)?
451. drank all but the last quarter inch from the milk carton or water bottle and put it back in the fridge (so you wouldn't have to refill it)?
452. woke up the next morning with the computer keyboard on your pillow (you might be programming too
much)?
453. tried to convince your partner that intercourse would help prevent/relieve cramps?
454. tried to convince your partner that oral sex was good for the complexion?
455. considered sperm a protein supplement?
456. questioned someone about their sex life when they were incapable of not answering (e.g. they were truly wasted, or talking in their sleep)?
457. questioned your other half about their sex life when they were incapable of not answering?
458. used whatever they said against them?
459. read somebody's diary without his/her consent or knowledge?
460. searched somebody's room/house without his/her consent or knowledge?
461. attempted to corrupt someone's morals?
462. attempted to corrupt someone's morals and discover it is too late?
463. attempted to corrupt someone's morals only to discover they know things you don't?
464. used a hair dryer in the shower (even though the little tag explicitly says not to do it)?
465. not worn a helmet on a bicycle?
466. not worn a helmet on a motorcycle?
467. given someone a wedgie?
468. hung someone by their underwear on a doorknob (or other hook-like thing)?
469. received a wedgie?
470. been hung on a doorknob (or other hook-like thing)?
471. given someone an atomic wedgie (that is a wedgie so deep that the victim's underwear waistband is pulled over his/her head)?
472. received an atomic wedgie?
473. given a shoe wedgie?
474. received a shoe wedgie?

IV. I Fought the Law and *I* Won
(Legal technicalities - 93 Questions)

Have you:
475. deliberately bounced a check?
476. shoplifted?
477. 'borrowed' something of value with no intention of returning it ('borrowing' Kleenex, condoms, tampons, etc. doesn't count)?
478. written graffiti?
479. committed murder?
480. attempted to commit suicide?
481. succeeded?
482. had a fake id?
483. manufactured a fake id?
484. speeded (automotive, not pharmaceutical)?
485. drag raced (no, not queens running a marathon)?
486. driven?
487. driven without a license?
488. driven while suspended?
489. bought anything on a black market?
490. sold anything on a black market?
491. stolen anything?
492. stolen a kiss?
493. used bootleg software?
494. "cracked" software protection?
495. distributed cracked software?
496. plotted felony?
497. operated a vehicle or piece of heavy machinery while intoxicated?
498. plotted treason (betrayal of state secrets)?
499. lead someone to believe they were the father when they weren't?
500. lead someone to believe they weren't the father when they were?
501. lead someone to believe they were the mother and they weren't?
502. been liable for arrest on a morals charge (pandering, pimping, prostitution, impersonating a human being)?
503. been a pool or card shark?
504. plotted a coup (civic class doesn't count)?
505. built a coup?
506. committed sedition (plotting to overthrow the government)?
507. committed sedation (bored an audience to sleep)?
508. committed seduction (tactful coercion into sexual activity)?
509. committed treason?
510. been arrested?
511. gone to jail?
512. gone to prison?
513. gone to prison for more than 20 years?
514. escaped prison?
515. been thought politically unreliable?
516. been thought politically reliable?
517. been thought politically correct?
518. been thought politically incorrect
519. looted, raped, pillaged, sacked and burned (The Barbaric Pentathlon)?
520. done any of the above individually?
521. sent a chain letter?
522. started a chain letter?
523. Were you beaten for it (if not, you should have been)?
524. made unregistered explosive devices (bombs)?
525. accidentally blown up something important (like, say, fingers)?
526. made or acquired 'elint' (electronic intelligence) equipment (bugs)?
527. installed or used 'elint' equipment (wiretaps, tape recorders, etc.)?
528. made or acquired b-lint (bellybutton lint)?
529. stayed for a second feature having paid only for the first?
530. removed the tag that says "do not remove under penalty of law"?
531. rode public transportation w/o paying?
532. raised tuition/rent by streetwalking?
533. pistol whipped someone?
534. been a bigamist (that's very bigamy to admit it)?
535. carried concealed weapons?
536. waved your weapons around in public?
537. evaded taxes?
538. evaded custom duties by not declaring something subject to a duty or tax?
539. been cited in divorce proceedings as the other woman/man?
540. been cited in divorce proceedings as the other woman/man and wished you actually were?
541. failed to pay child support?
542. failed to pay child support on purpose?
543. had someone buy alcohol for you while you were still a minor?
544. bought your own alcohol while still a minor?
545. traveled out of the country with the sole purpose of purchasing alcohol (lower age restrictions, stronger stuff)?
546. been drunk while still a minor?
547. bought alcohol for minors?
548. had sexual activity while under the age of consent (masturbation doesn't count)?
549. had sexual activity while under the age of consent with someone over the age of consent?
550. had sexual activity since reaching the age of consent with someone under the age of consent?
551. plagiarized?
552. been to a "public bath"?
553. patronized a prostitute?
554. been to a "massage parlor"?
555. been to a brothel as a customer?
556. been to a brothel as an employee?
557. owned a brothel?
558. contracted a 'social' disease (not just the common cold)?
559. contracted mononucleosis ("mono")?
560. contracted conjunctivitis ("pink eye")?
561. been treated for exposure to a STD (sexually transmitted disease) because someone you'd been with had been?
562. had a curable STD?
563. cured it?
564. had an incurable STD?
565. had sex with someone knowing you had been exposed to a STD?
566. had sex with someone knowing they had been exposed to a STD?
567. gotten a 'frequent flier' bonus at the free clinic?

V. Mekka Lekka Hi, Mekka Hiney Ho
(Cults, the Occult, Ghosts, Aliens, and Weirdness - 48 Questions)

Have you:
568. spotted Elvis at a 7-11 (or wherever)?
569. spotted any dead celebrities anywhere in public?
570. been a member of the Order, Aryan Nation, or the like?
571. joined a nunnery or a monastery because you were sick of sex?
572. joined a nunnery or a monastery because you couldn't get any?
573. been a member of a religious group outside a world-accepted religion (Satan worship, Vegisexual, etc.)?
574. been a member of a cult?
575. started a cult?
576. started what is now a world-accepted religion?
577. been a high-ranking member in any non-accepted group (and, even though Wicca is an accepted religion, we'll take that, too)?
578. played a record backwards to hear the message?
579. actually heard the message?
580. been inspired to kill loved ones?
581. done so?
582. participated in a satanic ritual?
583. sold your soul to the devil?
584. mortgaged or leased your soul to the devil?
585. sold any other items (stereo equipment, a sleeper sofa, whatever) to the devil (or his representatives)?
586. drunk blood?
587. drunk human blood?
588. drunk your own blood?
589. sacrificed an animal in a religious ritual?
590. sacrificed a human in a religious ritual?
591. sacrificed a human for fun?
592. used a Ouija board?
593. been frightened during or after Ouija board usage?
594. followed your horoscope?
595. had your Zodiac chart done?
596. had your Tarot cards read?
597. read someone else's Tarot cards?
598. participated in a seance?
599. communicated with another plane (no, not like a big flying metal thing)?
600. had visual contact with someone/thing from another plane?
601. been to another plane?
602. had an out of body experience?
603. practiced witchcraft?
604. practiced "black" magic?
605. cast a spell for amusement?
606. cast a spell for revenge?
607. cast a spell for somebody else?
608. cast a spell out of boredom?
609. had a spell backfire with disastrous effects?
610. seen a UFO?
611. communicated with beings from another world (aliens)?
612. been on a UFO?
613. flown (as in, you were the driver) a UFO?
614. Are you an alien?
615. ever been (or are you now) a member of the Circle of the Blue Flame?

VI. Hey, Nice Shoes. Wanna Fuck?
(Pick-Ups and Getting Together - 55 Questions)

Have you:
616. been flirted with?
617. been hit upon?
618. Did it work?
619. flirted?
620. hit on someone?
621. Did it work?
622. picked up sailors (soldiers, marines, etc.)?
623. used a cheesy pick-up line?
624. Did it work?
625. been the victim of a cheesy pick-up line?
626. Did it work?
627. gone someplace with the sole purpose of try out your cheesy pick-up lines?
628. been on a blind date?
629. set up a blind date?
630. been set up by a friend?
631. been set up by your mother or father?
632. been set up by another relative?
633. been set up by the local pimp or Madame?
634. picked up someone over the Internet?
635. been picked up over the Internet?
636. stalked someone?
637. been stalked?
638. been to a mixer?
639. met (as in met someone new, etc.) someone at a mixer?
640. cut in?
641. had a one night stand?
642. used tickling as a pickup or getting to know you better activity?
643. used physical strength, power, prowess (or lack thereof), as a pickup or getting to know you better routine?
644. lusted in your heart for someone without their knowledge?
645. lusted after someone with their full knowledge?
646. dropped hints to somebody you lusted after in the hopes he/she would pick up on it?
647. sent anonymous love letters to someone?
648. sent anonymous love letters to yourself?
649. been on a date?
650. been on a date past curfew?
651. been on a date past sunrise?
652. stood someone up?
653. been stood up?
654. canceled a date because you were scared of their parents?
655. mulched (not just friends, but not really "dating," either. Friends that mess around.)?
656. mulched with several people at a time (this is not against "the rules")?
657. dated someone on a regular basis?
658. gone steady?
659. broken up with someone (dumped them)?
660. dumped someone for no reason?
661. been dumped?
662. been dumped for no discernible reason?
663. gotten married?
664. to more than one person at a time?
665. forced someone else to marry (shotgun wedding)?
666. been separated?
667. gotten a divorce?
668. filed for divorce after less than a month?
669. been a "serial monogamist" (had a succession of monogamous marriages)?
670. considered killing a spouse for insurance money?

VII. This Looks Like a Good Place for a Stick-Up
(Non-Platonic Activities (the steamy part) Part 1 - Men - 86 Questions)

With or by a person of the male gender, have you:
671. been propositioned for necking or petting?
672. been propositioned for any sexual practice?
673. been pinched or patted on the buttocks?
674. been kissed below the neck, but not on the hands and arms?
675. received a hickey (or had the attempt if you are hard to get)?
676. received a hickey in an intimate location?
677. received scratch marks or nail marks?
678. been bit or nibbled upon?
679. been bit in an intimate location?
680. had your clothed leg fondled or stroked?
681. had your clothed body fondled or stroked?
682. had your clothed breast or nipples fondled or stroked?
683. had your covered genitals fondled, pet, stroked, or otherwise handled?
684. had your bare legs fondled or stroked?
685. had your bare body fondled or stroked?
686. had your bare breast or nipples fondled or stroked?
687. had your bare genitals fondled, pet, stroked, or otherwise handled?
688. propositioned a man for necking or petting?
689. propositioned a man for any sexual practice?
690. pinched or patted a man's buttocks?
691. kissed below the neck, but not on the hands and arms?
692. petted?
693. given a hickey?
694. given a hickey in an intimate location?
695. left scratches or nail marks?
696. left tooth marks?
697. left tooth marks in an intimate location?
698. fondled or stroked a man's clothed legs?
699. fondled or stroked a man's clothed body?
700. stroked or fondled a man's clothed breast or nipple?
701. petted, stroked, fondled, or otherwise handled a man's covered genitals?
702. fondled or stroked a man's bare legs?
703. fondled or stroked a man's bare body?
704. stroked or fondled a man's bare breast or nipple?
705. petted, stroked, fondled, or otherwise handled a man's bare genitals?
706. been involved with pelvic thrusting while clothed (it really drives you insa-a-ane)?
707. had sex with a man?
708. had you fingers licked or sucked?
709. licked or sucked a man's fingers?
710. had your ear, or ear region licked, breathed upon, sucked or nibbled?
711. licked, breathed onto, sucked or nibbled a man's ear or ear region?
712. fondled a man who was asleep?
713. woken up being fondled?
714. had sex with a man who was asleep and he didn't wake up?
715. had sex with a man who was asleep and he did wake up?
716. slept through sexual activity (him doing it to you)?
717. woken up in the midst of a man having sexual activity with you?
718. given a man a back rub or massage with ulterior motives?
719. Did it work?
720. been petted to orgasm?
721. petted to orgasm?
722. performed fellatio (oral stimulation of the penis)?
723. tasted a man's orgasmic fluids?
724. gagged when they came in your mouth?
725. received oral sex?
726. performed mutual oral sex ('69')?
727. performed mutual masturbation?
728. watched while a man masturbated?
729. had a man watch while you masturbated?
730. orgasmed in him (if possible)?
731. had him orgasm in you?
732. orgasmed on him?
733. had him orgasm on you?
734. kissed a man (or boy) on a first date?
735. necked with a man (or boy) on a first date?
736. petted with a man (or boy) on a first date?
737. had oral sex on a first date?
738. given oral sex on a first date?
739. fucked on a first date?
740. had oral sex instead of intercourse?
741. performed anal sex on a man (dildo or whatever)?
742. received anal sex from a man (dildo or whatever)?
743. performed oral stimulation of the anus on a man?
744. received oral stimulation of the anus from a man?
745. been seen naked under good lighting by a man (note: nude is expected (e.g. in a shower room or at a nude beach), naked is when you don't expect to be seen (e.g. in the bathroom).)?
746. seen a man naked under good lighting?
747. undressed under good lighting, knowing a man was watching you?
748. been in a man's company while both of you were nude without anything steamy happening?
749. bathed or showered with a man?
750. let a man wash you when you were perfectly capable of doing it yourself?
751. washed a man who was perfectly capable of washing himself?
752. had sex while in the shower?
753. had sex while taking a bath?
754. seduced a man?
755. allowed yourself to be seduced?
756. had sex with a virgin (not yourself)?

VIII. Something Smells Fishy Down Here
(Non-Platonic Activities (the steamy part) Part 2 - Women - 85 Questions)

With or by a person of the female gender, have you:
757. been propositioned for necking or petting?
758. been propositioned for any sexual practice?
759. been pinched or patted on the buttocks?
760. been kissed below the neck, but not on the hands and arms?
761. received a hickey (or had the attempt if you are hard to get)?
762. received a hickey in an intimate location?
763. been scratched or marked by her?
764. been nibbled or bit?
765. been nibbled or bit in an intimate location?
766. had your clothed legs fondled or stroked?
767. had your clothed body fondled or stroked?
768. had your clothed breast or nipples fondled or stroked?
769. had your covered genitals fondled, stroked, pet, or otherwise handled?
770. had your bare legs your bare legs fondled or stroked?
771. had your bare body fondled or stroked?
772. had your bare breast or nipples fondled or stroked?
773. had your bare genitals fondled, stroked, pet, or otherwise handled?
774. propositioned a woman for necking or petting?
775. propositioned a woman for any sexual practice?
776. pinched or patted a woman's buttocks?
777. kissed a woman below the neck, but not on the hands and arms?
778. petted?
779. given a hickey to a woman?
780. given a hickey in an intimate location?
781. left scratches or nail marks on her?
782. left teeth marks?
783. left teeth marks in an intimate location?
784. fondled or stroked a woman's clothed legs?
785. fondled or stroked a woman's clothed body?
786. stroked or fondled a woman's clothed breast or nipple?
787. petted, stroked, fondled, or otherwise handled a woman's covered genitals?
788. fondled or stroked a woman's bare legs?
789. fondled or stroked a woman's bare body?
790. stroked or fondled a woman's bare breast or nipple?
791. petted, stroked, fondled, or otherwise handled a woman's bare genitals?
792. been involved with pelvic thrusting while clothed?
793. had sex with a woman?
794. had you fingers licked or sucked?
795. licked or sucked a woman's fingers?
796. had your ear, or ear region licked, breathed upon, sucked or nibbled?
797. licked, breathed onto, sucked or nibbled a woman's ear?
798. fondled a woman who was asleep?
799. woken up being fondled?
800. had sex with a woman who was asleep and she didn't wake up?
801. had sex with a woman who was asleep and she did wake up?
802. slept through sexual activity (she doing it to you)?
803. woken up in the midst of a woman having sexual activity with you?
804. given a woman a back rub or massage with ulterior motives?
805. Did it work?
806. been petted to orgasm?
807. petted to orgasm?
808. performed cunnilingus (oral stimulation of the vulva or clitoris)?
809. tasted a woman's orgasmic fluids?
810. gagged on it?
811. received oral sex?
812. performed mutual oral sex ('69')?
813. performed mutual masturbation?
814. watched while a woman masturbated?
815. had a woman watch while you masturbated?
816. orgasmed in her (if possible)?
817. orgasmed on her?
818. had her orgasm on you?
819. kissed a woman (or girl) on a first date?
820. necked with a woman (or girl) on a first date?
821. petted with a woman (or girl) on a first date?
822. had oral sex on a first date?
823. given oral sex on a first date?
824. fucked on a first date?
825. had oral sex instead of intercourse?
826. performed anal sex on a woman (dildo or whatever)?
827. received anal sex from a woman (dildo or whatever)?
828. performed oral stimulation of the anus on a woman?
829. received oral stimulation of the anus from a woman?
830. been seen naked under good lighting by a woman (note: nude is expected (e.g. in a shower room or at a nude beach), naked is when you don't expect to be seen (e.g. in the bathroom).)?
831. seen a woman naked under good lighting?
832. undressed under good lighting, knowing a woman was watching you?
833. been in a woman's company while both of you were nude without anything steamy happening?
834. bathed or showered with a woman (non-coed facilities don't count)?
835. let a woman wash you when you were perfectly capable of doing it yourself?
836. washed a woman who was perfectly capable of washing herself?
837. had sex while in the shower?
838. had sex while taking a bath?
839. seduced a woman?
840. allowed yourself to be seduced?
841. had sex with a virgin (We're Virgin Destroyers - We won't go down in history, but we will go down on your little sister)?

IX. Julia Child, Eat Yourself Out
(Kitchen Utensils and Power Tools - 54 Questions)

Do you own, or have you ever owned, the following:
842. a manual can opener?
843. an electric can opener?
844. a spaghetti strainer?
845. a variable-speed blender?
846. a manual mixer?
847. an electric mixer?
848. a really, really big spoon?
849. a fondue fork?
850. corn on the cob holders?
851. a turnip twaddler?
852. an ice-cream scooper?
853. chopsticks?
854. a whisk?
855. salad tongs?
856. a salad shooter?
857. a salad scooper?
858. a veg-o-matic?
859. an electric juicer?
860. an espresso or cappuccino machine?
861. a tea-leaf strainer?
862. a socket wrench (English)?
863. a socket wrench (metric)?
864. a screwdriver (Flathead)?
865. a screwdriver (Phillips)?
866. an electric screwdriver?
867. an electric hammer?
868. an electric dog-polisher?
869. a gasoline-powered turtle-neck sweater?
870. a tackle box?
871. a tackle box that could easily be described as "huge"?
872. a metal spatula (NOT a flipper. There's a difference. A spatula is long, skinny, and NOT bent)?
873. a rubber spatula?
874. a pocket fisherman?
875. a power drill?
876. a Dremel tool?
877. a chain saw?
878. a flame thrower?
879. a mig welder?
880. a soldering gun (not just one of those cheap soldering pens...we're talking big thing with a trigger)?
881. a jack-hammer?
882. a bulldozer?
883. a bobcat?
884. a crane (bird or vehicle)?
885. a wrecking-ball?
886. Have you ever drunk milk out of a beer stein?
887. Have you used a spatula for flogging purposes?
888. Do you fantasize about new and unusual utensils or tools?
889. Do you become excited when you enter a kitchen?
890. Have you had an orgasm from the thought of cooking a particular recipe?
891. Do you become excited when you enter a work-room?
892. Have you ever used a jig saw for masturbatory purposes?
893. Have you used any of the above for masturbation?
894. Have you used any of the above for any sexual practice?
895. Have you ever owned The Spatula (if you have to ask, the answer is 'no')?

X. The Nitty and the Gritty
(Things To Do and People To Do Them With - 64 Questions)

Have you:
896. been circumcised (for females a clitoridectomy)?
897. engaged in heterosexual activity (that is, with a member of the opposite sex)?
898. engaged in homosexual activity (that is, with a member of your sex [who better to know what feels good?])?
899. engaged in bisexual activity (defined here as sexual activity with both genders on a relatively even ratio for the period of time in question)?
900. engaged in incestual activity (that is, with a member of your family ['incest is best - put your sister to the test'])?
901. engaged in homosexual incest (with a member of your family and gender)?
902. engaged in zoophilia [bestiality] (sex with non-humans, not the merely sub human)?
903. engaged in xeno eroticism (sexual activity with alien life forms [NOT the kind without green cards])?
904. engaged in pedophilia (sexual activity with prepubescent children)?
905. engaged in bondage ('voluntarily', you had some control on initiation.)?
906. engaged in pyrophilia (using fire for sexual pleasure)?
907. been a fetishist (dependence on a particular inanimate object for sexual pleasure)?
908. engaged in partialism (sexual attraction to body parts [a foot "fetish" is a mislabeled partialism])?
909. engaged in telephone scatalogia (a paraphilia characterized by a recurrent, intense urge or fantasy to make obscene telephone calls)?
910. engaged in sodomy (defined as either: 1) copulation with a member of the same sex or with animals or 2) non-coital intercourse, esp. anal or oral copulation)?
911. engaged in asphyxiophilia (semi-strangulation to achieve heightened sexual arousal)?
912. practiced urophilia (using urine for sexual excitement)?
913. practiced coprophilia (using feces for sexual excitement)?
914. practiced frotteurism (masturbation by rubbing against another person without their permission)?
915. practiced mysophilia (a dependency on something soiled or filthy, such as dirty underwear or used menstrual pads (like the female gym teacher in Porky's))?
916. practiced klismaphilia (a dependency on being given an enema)?
917. practiced zipitage (the picking of other people's zits)?
918. performed analingus (oral stimulation of the anus)?
919. engaged in D/S (domination and submission; note this is not the same as B&D)
920. practiced "role¬playing" for sexual purposes (nurse/patient, teacher/student, border guard/well-endowed coed)?
921. crossed dressed (dressing in clothing of the opposite sex), other than for a costume party?
922. crossed dressed for a party or as a joke and discovered you liked it (shouldn't watch Rocky Horror so much)?
923. been a berdache (a male who assumes the female gender role; regarded in some cultures as a third
gender)?
924. engaged in fetishistic transvestitism (a paraphilia where a male becomes sexually excited by cross¬dressing)?
925. engaged in nonfetishistic transvestitism (a nonparaphillic behavior by a male who cross dresses to relieve the tensions associated with the male gender role)?
926. practiced necrophilia (sex with the dead [truly deceased. That innocent young virgin you molested doesn't count, no matter how frigid she was])?
927. practiced zombiphilia (sex with the undead)?
928. engaged in sexual activity which could have been described with three or more of the above ways (i.e. you tie up your cousin, who happens to be a dead dog of your gender from another planet covered in shit, and set him/her on fire while butt-fucking him/her while you receive an enema: homoincestualklismacopropyronecroxenozoosodomy with bondage.)?
929. had a leather fetish?
930. had a rubber fetish (insisting on the use of rubbers doesn't qualify)?
931. been or hired a dominatrix (by definition, dominatricies are only female)?
932. performed anal intercourse ("That'd have to be in the butt, Bob")?
933. caused another person pain for your pleasure (its called sadism)?
934. had another inflict pain on you for your pleasure (its called masochism)?
935. tied up a masochist and refused to cause them pain (its called cruel)?
936. been described as a nymphomaniac or satyriasist (pejorative, moralistic terms to describe "excessive" sexuality, as if there is such a thing)?
937. become preoccupied with sex (a trancelike engrossment in thoughts of sex, which creates a compulsive search for sexual stimulation)?
938. ritualized your sexual behavior (developing special routines that precede sexual behavior and intensify sexual arousal and excitement)?
939. engaged in compulsive sexual behavior (unable to control or stop your sexual actions)?
940. used Schedule I (USC 21, sec 812 ©) drugs (synthetic opiates, methamphetamines, marijuana, hallucinogens, LSD) (with over 145 drugs scheduled, we're not listing them all)?
941. used Schedule II (USC 21, sec 812 ©) drugs (opium, coca leave products (Coca Cola doesn't count))?
942. used Schedule III (USC 21, sec 812 ©) drugs ( barbiturates, lysergic acid, amphetamine)?
943. used Schedule IV (USC 21, sec 812 ©) drugs (Barbital, chloral Hydrate, Phenobarbital)?
944. abused Schedule V (USC 21, sec 812 ©) drugs (codeine)?
945. intentionally urinated on someone (its called 'golden showers', 'water sports', or piss fights)?
946. intentionally defecated on someone (it's called sick)?
947. intentionally vomited on another person?
948. accidentally vomited on another person?
949. intentionally urinated on yourself?
950. intentionally defecated on yourself?
951. accidentally urinated on yourself?
952. accidentally urinated on someone else?
953. intentionally defecated on yourself?
954. accidentally defecated on someone else?
955. intentionally slammed your fingers in a door?
956. derived sexual excitement by ants crawling on your testicles or labia (the testicle part is from a medical report: Dewaraja & Money, 1986)?
957. had a sexual aversion (phobia of a particular sexual activity, or sexual activity in general)?
958. had gender dysphoria (been dissatisfied with your gender)?
959. had feelings of koro (a Japanese term referring to the conviction that one's penis is shrinking and going to disappear)?

XI. The Meaning Of Life
(Sex, Drugs, and Rock 'n Roll - 156 Questions)

Have you:
960. considered the song "I want to hold your hand" suggestive?
961. considered 'why don't we do it in the road' a reasonable question?
962. Do you know (no guessing) who followed Hendrix at Woodstock?
963. been intoxicated from alcohol?
964. been intoxicated from some other drug?
965. been intoxicated from a controlled or illicit drug?
966. been intoxicated with fear?
967. introduced someone to 'drugs' in general?
968. introduced someone to a new (to them) drug?
969. used over the counter drugs for purposes of getting intoxicated?
970. taken any drug that you weren't sure what it was, just to find out what it does (foolish you)?
971. used prescription drugs that you didn't 'need' or have the prescription for ('abused' a controlled substance)?
972. bought a controlled or illicit drug?
973. sold a controlled or illicit drug?
974. bought a controlled or illicit drug, wholesale?
975. sold a controlled or illicit drug, wholesale?
976. sold as a controlled or illicit drug a non-drug item (burned somebody)?
977. bought what you thought was a controlled or illicit drug, but "found out" it wasn't?
978. bought a controlled or illicit drug in bulk for personal use?
979. frequently bought controlled or illicit drugs in bulk for personal use (like weekly or there about)?
980. had a standing order with your supplier?
981. taken a non-prescription opiate (heroin, morphine, or opium)
982. more than 4 times?
983. ingested cocaine (Bolivian marching powder)?
984. more than once?
985. more than four times?
986. smoked crack?
987. more than once?
988. more than four times?
989. freebased?
990. chugged?
991. sniffed glue?
992. smoked the killer weed (tobacco)?
993. more than once?
994. on a regular basis?
995. chain smoked?
996. smoked the killer weed (marijuana)?
997. more than once?
998. more than four times?
999. smoked the killer weed (oregano)?
1000. smoked the killer weed (parsley)?
1001. smoked banana peels?
1002. smoked toad skins?
1003. smoked clove cigarettes?
1004. smoked nutmeg?
1005. smoked bellybutton lint?
1006. chewed tobacco, or snuff?
1007. gargled with hard liquor (No more mediciny breath!)?
1008. had alcohol for breakfast?
1009. drank Coke & nutmeg?
1010. drank Coke & aspirin?
1011. made Alice B. Toklas Cookies (marijuana or hash brownies)?
1012. eaten Alice B. Toklas Cookies?
1013. eaten what you thought were "normal brownies"?
1014. inhaled nitrous oxide (laughing gas) recreationally?
1015. injected any non-prescription drug into yourself?
1016. more than once?
1017. more than four times?
1018. injected more than one non-prescription drug simultaneously into yourself?
1019. more than once?
1020. more than four times?
1021. injected any non-prescription drug into someone else?
1022. more than once?
1023. injected more than one non-prescription drug simultaneously into someone else?
1024. more than once?
1025. played a drinking game?
1026. played a drinking game that actually involved skill (if you answer 'yes,' you're probably lying or drunk)?
1027. won a drinking game?
1028. played a game where it was unknown who would be getting drugs (who's got the pill, etc.)?
1029. spiked punch with alcohol?
1030. spiked punch with other drugs?
1031. given someone a drink that they didn't know was spiked?
1032. taken any synthetic hallucinogen (MDA, STP, Deep Purple, or Sandoz)?
1033. Did you understand the examples in the last question?
1034. invented a synthetic hallucinogen?
1035. ingested any 'natural' hallucinogen (peyote, mescaline, 'shrooms, ergot)?
1036. more than once?
1037. more than four times?
1038. dropped (or whatever your preferred ingestion method happens to be) acid?
1039. tripped for more than a week?
1040. tripped for one full year?
1041. had a bad trip (a shitty vacation doesn't cut it)?
1042. had a flashback?
1043. gotten a bad batch?
1044. taken hallucinogens for enlightenment, or other philosophical reason?
1045. tried to force yourself into a bad trip because true fear excites you?
1046. taken PCP or other veterinary drug?
1047. more than once?
1048. more than four times?
1049. taken any 'designer' drugs?
1050. taken ecstasy ("X," MDMA)?
1051. more than once?
1052. done speed or methamphetamine?
1053. more than once?
1054. more than four times?
1055. done ice (purified meth)?
1056. more than once?
1057. more than four times?
1058. made or synthesized your own drugs?
1059. made or synthesized drugs, 'commercially' (been the lab)?
1060. grown your own?
1061. bred your own?
1062. bought 'moonshine' (any alcoholic beverage made outside the Federal limit of 200 gallons annually for personal consumption)?
1063. been to a rock or heavy metal concert?
1064. been to a Frank Zappa rock concert?
1065. been to a Grateful Dead concert?
1066. been to a Barry Manilow concert?
1067. listened to acid rock?
1068. been to a blues club?
1069. Were you at [the original] Woodstock?
1070. Were you at Woodstock '94?
1071. been a groupie?
1072. been a roadie?
1073. thought about starting a band to meet groupies?
1074. thought about starting a band to get good dope?
1075. actually started a band to get groupies or dope?
1076. told someone you were with the band?
1077. Did it work?
1078. sung dirty songs, the kind with no subtlety in the lyrics (e.g. I wanna fuck you like an animal)?
1079. sung bawdy songs (e.g. Polka Dot Undies, Do Your Ears Hang Low, The Bottle Song)?
1080. composed bawdy lyrics?
1081. brewed your own?
1082. had sex while drunk or stoned?
1083. had sex while on acid?
1084. bungee-jumped on acid?
1085. had sex while on any drug?
1086. used the USC Scheduled Drug List as a checklist of what to try?
1087. used the USC Scheduled Drug List as a checklist of what to try while having sex?
1088. done them all (just waiting for the new list)?
1089. used any drug when you were to wasted to know if it had any effect (e.g. smoked pot while blitzed)?
1090. used a second drug to cancel out the effects of a first (using downers after uppers, etc. [note: it doesn't work])?
1091. taken mood altering drugs without prescription (Valium or Quaalude)?
1092. been on Prozac?
1093. been on Prozac by prescription?
1094. been on Ritilin?
1095. been on Ritilin by prescription?
1096. tried a drug because it had a neat name, like Xantac?
1097. been told you had sex the night before and you can't recall a thing?
1098. awoken the next morning wondering where you were?
1099. awoken the next morning wondering if you had a good time?
1100. awoken the next morning wondering where you were, and who's that next to you?
1101. awoken the next morning wondering who you were?
1102. felt like the Three Bears (who's been sleeping in my bed)?
1103. felt like Papa Bear (you're just big and hairy)?
1104. felt like Baby Bear (who's that sleeping in my bed)?
1105. ever thrown up from too much alcohol [a.k.a. puked, spewed, barfed, retched, driven the porcelain bus, blown chips, tossed your cookies, the Technicolor yawn, prayed to the porcelain god, called for the car (There's Ralph's Buick), talked to Ralph on the big, white phone, etc.]?
1106. ever had blackouts (periods where you don't remember what happened)?
1107. been hung over?
1108. had a hangover last more than one day?
1109. taken the hair of the dog that bit you (drinking to cure hangover)?
1110. been to an AA meeting, or the like?
1111. been to a drug-rehab meeting?
1112. been to a GLBA (Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual Alliance) meeting or the like?
1113. listened to techno (REAL techno, not "bass re-mixes" of crappy songs)?
1114. been to a rave?
1115. been to a rave that lasted more than 24 hours?

XII. Green Eggs and Ham
(Locality - 222 Questions)
*note: these are NOT questions you're supposed to answer:
"Have you done it on a plane?
Have you done it on a train?
Have you done it in your bed?
Have you done it on your head?
Have you, have you,
had green eggs and ham?"
(with apologies to Dr. Seuss)

Have you:
1116. in a bed (how mundane), had oral sex?
1117. in a bed, fucked?
1118. with others in the same room, had oral sex?
1119. with others in the same room, fucked?
1120. with others in the same room, had oral sex without them knowing?
1121. with others in the same room, fucked without them knowing?
1122. with others in the same room, had oral sex with their full knowledge?
1123. with others in the same room, fucked with their full knowledge?
1124. while parents were sleeping, had oral sex?
1125. while parents were sleeping, fucked?
1126. while parents were sleeping in the same room, had oral sex?
1127. while parents were sleeping in the same room, fucked?
1128. while parents were awake, had oral sex?
1129. while parents were awake, fucked?
1130. while parents were awake in the same room, had oral sex?
1131. while parents were awake in the same room, fucked?
1132. with parents watching you (and giving pointers), had oral sex?
1133. with parents watching you, fucked?
1134. while hot tubbing, had oral sex?
1135. while hot tubbing, fucked?
1136. while hot tubbing with other people, had oral sex without them knowing?
1137. while hot tubbing with other people, fucked with out them knowing?
1138. in a sauna or steam bath, had oral sex?
1139. in a sauna or steam bath, fucked?
1140. in a chair, couch, recliner, etc., had oral sex?
1141. in a chair, couch, recliner, etc., fucked?
1142. on a sleeper sofa (in either couch or bed mode), had oral sex?
1143. on a sleeper sofa, fucked?
1144. in a place of religion, had oral sex?
1145. in a place of religion, fucked?
1146. in a place of the dead (morgue, cemetery, etc.), had oral sex?
1147. in a place of the dead, fucked?
1148. in a contraption of the dead (coffin, urn, etc.), had oral sex?
1149. in a contraption of the dead, fucked?
1150. during a movie (in a theater), had oral sex?
1151. during a movie, fucked?
1152. in a sports area (stadium, court, track, or ballfield), had oral sex?
1153. in a sports area, fucked?
1154. in a sports area (stadium, court, track, or ballfield) with a game (or whatever) going on, had oral sex?
1155. in a sports area with a game going on, fucked?
1156. in a stationary vehicle of less than 3000 pounds GWT (a car, small pickup, minivan, etc.), had oral sex?
1157. in a stationary vehicle of less than 3000 pounds GWT, fucked?
1158. in a stationary vehicle of more than 3000 but less than 10,000 pounds GWT(a van, pickup), had oral sex?
1159. in a stationary vehicle of more than 3000 but less than 10,000 pounds GWT, fucked?
1160. in a stationary vehicle of more than 10,000 pounds GWT(a semi, RV, tank, etc.), had oral sex?
1161. in a stationary vehicle of more than 10,000 pounds GWT, fucked?
1162. in a moving vehicle of less than 3000 pounds GWT, had oral sex?
1163. in a moving vehicle of less than 3000 pounds GWT, fucked?
1164. in a moving vehicle of more than 3000 pounds GWT, had oral sex?
1165. in a moving vehicle of more than 3000 pounds GWT, fucked?
1166. in a moving vehicle of more than 10,000 pounds GWT, had oral sex?
1167. in a moving vehicle of more than 10,000 pounds GWT, fucked?
1168. with the operator of a moving vehicle, had oral sex?
1169. with the operator of a moving vehicle, fucked?
1170. as the operator of a moving vehicle, received oral sex?
1171. as the operator of a moving vehicle, fucked?
1172. on a train, had oral sex?
1173. on a train, fucked?
1174. on a roller coaster, had oral sex?
1175. on a roller coaster, fucked?
1176. in a wheelbarrow, had oral sex?
1177. in a wheelbarrow, fucked?
1178. while parachuting, had oral sex?
1179. while parachuting, fucked?
1180. on a boat (a van, pickup), had oral sex?
1181. on a boat, fucked?
1182. on a ship (battleship, aircraft carrier, etc.), had oral sex?
1183. on a ship, fucked?
1184. in an aircraft (airplane, blimp, zeppelin, hovercraft, hot-air balloon, UFO, etc.) in flight, had oral sex?
1185. in an aircraft in flight, fucked?
1186. on public transportation (bus, subway, tram or trolley), had oral sex?
1187. on public transportation, fucked?
1188. on a school bus, had oral sex?
1189. on a school bus, fucked?
1190. on a "short bus", had oral sex?
1191. on a "short bus", fucked?
1192. on horseback, had oral sex?
1193. on horseback, fucked?
1194. on a bicycle in motion, had oral sex?
1195. on a bicycle in motion, fucked?
1196. in a telephone booth, voting booth, hall closet, or other small, non-moving enclosure, had oral sex?
1197. in a telephone booth, voting booth, hall closet, or other small, non-moving enclosure, fucked?
1198. in an elevator, on an escalator or other people mover, had oral sex?
1199. in an elevator, on an escalator or other people mover, fucked?
1200. on the roof of a building, had oral sex?
1201. on the roof of a building, fucked?
1202. on the roof of a building where others might see you, had oral sex?
1203. on the roof of a building where others might see you, fucked?
1204. where the surrounding temperature was below freezing, had oral sex?
1205. where the surrounding temperature was below freezing, fucked?
1206. in the snow, had oral sex?
1207. in the snow, fucked (now that's fucking cold)?
1208. out of doors, had oral sex?
1209. out of doors, fucked?
1210. in a gazebo, had oral sex?
1211. in a gazebo, fucked?
1212. in a tree, had oral sex?
1213. in a tree, fucked?
1214. fucked a tree?
1215. in a semi public location where there was a possibility of discovery, had oral sex?
1216. in a semi public location where there was a possibility of discovery, fucked?
1217. because there was a possibility of discovery, had oral sex in a semi public locale?
1218. because there was a possibility of discovery, fucked in a semi public locale?
1219. at a public event (such as a rock concert, rally, or riot), had oral sex?
1220. at a public event, fucked?
1221. in a library, had oral sex?
1222. in a library, fucked?
1223. in a free flowing body of water (river, lake, ocean), had oral sex?
1224. in a free flowing body of water, fucked?
1225. on a beach, had oral sex?
1226. on a beach, fucked?
1227. in a classroom, had oral sex?
1228. in a classroom, fucked?
1229. in a hallway, had oral sex?
1230. in a hallway, fucked?
1231. in a living room, family room, or the like, had oral sex?
1232. in a living room, family room, or the like, fucked?
1233. in a kitchen, had oral sex?
1234. in a kitchen, fucked?
1235. in any other household room other than those mentioned, had oral sex?
1236. in any other household room other than those mentioned, fucked?
1237. on a household appliance, had oral sex?
1238. on a household appliance, fucked?
1239. on a table or countertop, had oral sex?
1240. on a table or countertop, fucked?
1241. on a pinball machine, had oral sex?
1242. on a pinball machine, fucked?
1243. on a jukebox, had oral sex?
1244. on a jukebox, fucked?
1245. on a pool table, had oral sex?
1246. on a pool table, fucked?
1247. on a piano, had oral sex?
1248. on a piano, fucked?
1249. on an electric organ (the piano-esque type), had oral sex?
1250. on an electric organ, fucked?
1251. on, in, or against a pipe organ, had oral sex?
1252. on, in, or against a pipe organ, fucked?
1253. on a big pile of pillows, had oral sex?
1254. on a big pile of pillows, fucked?
1255. on any other rec-room-type object, had oral sex?
1256. on any other rec-room-type object, fucked?
1257. on or in a national monument, had oral sex?
1258. on or in a national monument, fucked?
1259. showered with a member of the opposite sex in a 'non-coed' facility (locker room, dorm shower, whatever)?
1260. while showering in a 'non-coed' facility, had oral sex?
1261. while showering in a 'non-coed' facility, fucked?
1262. on a trampoline, had oral sex?
1263. on a trampoline, fucked?
1264. in a pool, had oral sex?
1265. in a pool, fucked?
1266. on a barstool, had oral sex?
1267. on a barstool, fucked?
1268. in a mall, had oral sex?
1269. in a mall, fucked?
1270. in a department store (in the changing room counts), had oral sex?
1271. in a department store, fucked?
1272. in a barn, had oral sex?
1273. in a barn, fucked?
1274. in hay or straw, had oral sex?
1275. in hay or straw, fucked?
1276. on some heavenly body other than the Earth (moon, Jupiter, Mercury, the sun, another star, etc.), had oral sex?
1277. on some heavenly body other than the Earth, fucked?
1278. in a moving vehicle being driven by your parents, had oral sex?
1279. in a moving vehicle being driven by your parents, fucked?
1280. in a moving vehicle being driven by your partner's parents, had oral sex?
1281. in a moving vehicle being driven by your partner's parents, fucked?
1282. on a computer, had oral sex?
1283. on a computer, fucked?
1284. on a futon, had oral sex?
1285. on a futon, fucked?
1286. on a papusan (those bowl-chair-things), had oral sex?
1287. on a papusan, fucked?
1288. on a balcony, had oral sex?
1289. on a balcony, fucked?
1290. on the roof of a vehicle, had oral sex?
1291. on the roof of a vehicle, fucked?
1292. on a merry-go-round (store or ride), had oral sex?
1293. on a merry-go-round, fucked?
1294. on a carousel, had oral sex?
1295. on a carousel, fucked?
1296. in a sewer or storm drain, had oral sex?
1297. in a sewer or storm drain, fucked?
1298. in the street, had oral sex?
1299. in the street, fucked?
1300. in the street with traffic, had oral sex?
1301. in the street with traffic, fucked?
1302. in a box, had oral sex?
1303. in a box, fucked?
1304. on a windowsill, had oral sex?
1305. on a windowsill, fucked?
1306. on a shelf, had oral sex?
1307. on a shelf, fucked?
1308. in an attic, had oral sex?
1309. in an attic, fucked?
1310. on a jungle-gym, had oral sex?
1311. on a jungle-gym, fucked?
1312. on a slide, had oral sex?
1313. on a slide, fucked?
1314. on a water slide (not just a wet slide), had oral sex?
1315. on a water slide, fucked?
1316. on a picnic table, had oral sex?
1317. on a picnic table, fucked?
1318. on a golf course, had oral sex?
1319. on a golf course, fucked?
1320. in a cage, had oral sex?
1321. in a cage, fucked?
1322. in a lighthouse, had oral sex?
1323. in a lighthouse, fucked?
1324. on a work table, had oral sex?
1325. on a work table, fucked?
1326. on a tablesaw (need not be turned on at the time), had oral sex?
1327. on a tablesaw, fucked?
1328. on a stage, had oral sex?
1329. on a stage, fucked?
1330. on a stage, in front of an audience, had oral sex (can be part of a play, but you must have ACTUALLY done it)?
1331. on a stage, in front of an audience, fucked (again, must actually have done it)?
1332. on a skateboard, had oral sex?
1333. on a skateboard, fucked?
1334. while doing a handstand (or headstand), had oral sex?
1335. while doing a handstand, fucked?
1336. while at least one of you was Velcro-ed to a wall, had oral sex?
1337. while at least one of you was Velcro-ed to a wall, fucked?

XII. Look, Ma, No Hands!
(Style - 197 Questions)

Have you:
1338. pointed and laughed?
1339. had someone point and laugh at you?
1340. eaten oysters?
1341. eaten prairie oysters?
1342. eaten Rocky Mountain Oysters?
1343. eaten a banana in a provocative manner?
1344. eaten an ice cream cone in a provocative manner?
1345. eaten a taco in a provocative manner?
1346. eaten soup in a provocative manner?
1347. used an aphrodisiac?
1348. told someone was an aphrodisiac when it wasn't?
1349. Did it work anyway?
1350. used amyl nitrate?
1351. taken something to "improve" your performance?
1352. coined pet names for any of your body parts (other than genitalia)?
1353. coined pet names for any of your partner's body parts (other than genitalia)?
1354. coined pet names for your genitalia?
1355. coined pet names for your partner's genitalia?
1356. had an orgasm?
1357. ejaculated (yes females CAN ejaculate and males can have an orgasm without ejaculating)?
1358. taken notes during arguments, in order to remember the good lines?
1359. had sex with the same person more than 10 times?
1360. had sex with over 10 people (total - not necessarily at once)?
1361. had sex with anybody/thing more than 100 times?
1362. had sex with anybody/thing more than 500 times?
1363. never had sex with the same person more than once?
1364. had to sleep in the wet spot?
1365. volunteered to sleep in the wet spot?
1366. volunteered to sleep in the wet spot because you like it?
1367. slept in someone else's wet spot (not yours or a partner's)?
1368. accepted sex and now wish you hadn't?
1369. turned down sex and now wish you hadn't?
1370. made a phone call during sexual activity (again, sexual activity does not mean penetration; just fooling' around) with someone?
1371. taken a phone call during sexual activity (again, sexual activity does not mean penetration; just fooling' around) with someone?
1372. during sexual activity, had your partner make or take a phone call with their parent, other-half, or other important type person?
1373. ever been preoccupied during sexual activity (television, homework, playing piano, dictating a letter, running a marathon, etc.)?
1374. ever had your partner be preoccupied during sexual activity?
1375. had a general emergency arise during sexual activity (e.g. flood, fire, hurricane, apocalypse, etc.)?
1376. had a minor emergency during sexual activity (e.g. muscle cramp, asthma attack, somebody at the door, accidentally smashed head into the ceiling)?
1377. during sexual activity had any crisis that now causes you great merriment (e.g. the bed broke, neighbors call cops about the noise)?
1378. had nude snapshots taken of you?
1379. taken nude snapshots of someone else?
1380. take nude snapshots of yourself?
1381. given nude snapshots, drawings or other artwork, of yourself to someone?
1382. engaged in sex for more than three hours in a single session with the same partner?
1383. engaged in sex for more than ten hours in a single session with the same partner?
1384. engaged in sex for more than one full day in a single session with the same partner?
1385. engaged in sex for more than three hours in a single session with multiple partners?
1386. engaged in sex for more than ten hours in a single session with multiple partners?
1387. performed ritual sexual activity as part of a religious practice (Tantric Yoga or Fertility Rites)?
1388. had sex until one of you was sore?
1389. had sex until one of you was dry?
1390. had sex until one of you was bleeding (menstruation doesn't count)?
1391. smoked after sex?
1392. smoked during sex?
1393. smoked instead of sex?
1394. been intentionally bruised or injured during any sexual activity?
1395. intentionally bruised or injured someone during any sexual activity?
1396. spanked anyone before sex?
1397. spanked anyone during sex?
1398. spanked someone other than your partner during sex (the neighbor's kid, your uncle, whoever)?
1399. been sore the morning after?
1400. had sex to Ravel's Bolero?
1401. had sex to the Blue Danube?
1402. had sex to any other classical selection?
1403. had sex to Dr. Demento (the radio show; not the person)?
1404. had sex to candlelight?
1405. had sex to fireplace light?
1406. had sex to campfire light?
1407. had sex to moonlight?
1408. had sex in full lighting?
1409. had sex to blacklight?
1410. had sex in absolute darkness?
1411. disturbed others with the noise from your sexual activity?
1412. been a moaner?
1413. caused someone to be a moaner?
1414. been a screamer?
1415. had to muffle yourself (with a pillow, etc.) for whatever reason?
1416. caused someone to be a screamer?
1417. had to muffle them (with a pillow, etc.) for whatever reason?
1418. fucked missionary (old-fashioned way)?
1419. fucked dorsally ('doggy' style)?
1420. fucked amphibiously ('froggy' style)?
1421. fucked in the female superior position?
1422. fucked sitting up?
1423. fucked standing up?
1424. fucked in a chair?
1425. fucked while leaning over a chair?
1426. fucked while still clothed ('down with trousers, up with dresses!')?
1427. fucked sideways?
1428. fucked both facing the same direction (spooning)?
1429. fucked in the wheelbarrow position (remember those "wheelbarrow races" when you were a kid)?
1430. fucked while supporting your partner (physically, not financially)?
1431. fucked upside-down (staircases, etc.)?
1432. fucked while hanging from the rafters?
1433. fucked while hanging from the rafters upside-down?
1434. fucked while bouncing on a trampoline?
1435. fucked while hanging from a trapeze?
1436. fucked in some other position than those mentioned (must be explained for the group)?
1437. played "sit-n-spin" (use your imagination)?
1438. gone through two or more sexual positions without the need for re-entry?
1439. fucked in front of or under a mirror?
1440. participated in fist-fucking (see Caligula)?
1441. participated in breast fucking (Hawaiian muscle-fuck)?
1442. fallen asleep during sex or oral sex?
1443. had your partner fall asleep during sex or oral sex?
1444. performed oral sex after intercourse without washing or douching?
1445. kissed after oral sex without brushing or gargling?
1446. talked dirty during sexual activity?
1447. conversed during sexual activity ("So then I had to call my lawyer and he said that I should file .... hold on, I'm gonna come ..... so as I was saying....)?
1448. had your partner faint as a result of orgasm?
1449. caused your partner to have a heart attack from orgasm?
1450. caused your partner to have a stroke (the medical condition) from orgasm?
1451. caused your partner to die from orgasm?
1452. fainted as a result of orgasm?
1453. had a heart attack as a result of orgasm?
1454. had a stroke as a result of orgasm?
1455. died as a result of orgasm?
1456. caused someone to have multiple orgasms?
1457. caused someone to have multiple orgasms who didn't think he/she was able?
1458. been caused to have multiple orgasms?
1459. been caused to have multiple orgasms when you didn't think you were able?
1460. had sex before breakfast (this implies sleep the night before)?
1461. had sex instead of lunch (good aerobics and low on calories)?
1462. had a 'quickie'?
1463. had sex more than five times in twenty four hours?
1464. had sex more than twelve times in twenty four hours?
1465. had sex with more than one person in a 24 hour time period?
1466. had sex with more than four people in a 24 hour time period?
1467. gone in public after sex w/o bathing (and you're sure everyone can tell it too)?
1468. had sex with both genders in a 24 hour period?
1469. had sex with more than one species in a 24 hour period?
1470. with a hermaphrodite, necked/petted?
1471. with a hermaphrodite, had oral sex (two to choose from)?
1472. with a hermaphrodite, fucked?
1473. even met a hermaphrodite?
1474. Are you a hermaphrodite?
1475. had sex with spectators?
1476. been judged by the spectators?
1477. had spectators take notes?
1478. foot masturbated someone (note to sadists: kicking someone in the crotch doesn't count)?
1479. been foot masturbated (note to masochists: being kicked in the crotch doesn't count)?
1480. tongue bathed someone?
1481. tongue bathed yourself?
1482. been tongue bathed?
1483. sucked the feet or toes of someone?
1484. had someone suck your feet or toes?
1485. sucked your own feet or toes?
1486. sucked your own feet or toes at someone else's request?
1487. been, or kept, a mistress?
1488. been, or had, a 'kept man'?
1489. been a pimp or Madame?
1490. been engaged in sexual activity when the parent/spouse/boy (or girl) friend of either of you returned unexpectedly?
1491. been engaged in sexual activity when the parent/spouse/boy (or girl) friend of either of you returned unexpectedly, have them excuse themselves and tell you to continue?
1492. been engaged in sexual activity when the parent/spouse/boy (or girl) friend of either of you returned unexpectedly, have them excuse themselves and tell you to continue, and you could?
1493. been engaged in sexual activity when the parent/spouse/boy (or girl) friend of either of you returned unexpectedly, talked with you for a while, and then left?
1494. been engaged in sexual activity when the parent/spouse/boy (or girl) friend of either of you brought you food to keep your energy up?
1495. been engaged in sexual activity when the parent/spouse/boy (or girl) friend of either of you returned unexpectedly and asked to join you?
1496. Did you let them?
1497. been engaged in sexual activity when the parent/spouse/boy (or girl) friend of either of you returned unexpectedly and you asked them to join you?
1498. Did they?
1499. walked in on your other-half while they were engaged in sexual activity with someone else?
1500. walked in on your other-half while they were engaged in sexual activity with someone else, and they asked you to join them?
1501. Did you?
1502. walked in on your other-half while they were engaged in sexual activity with someone else, and then asked to join them?
1503. Did they let you?
1504. walked in on your parents?
1505. walked in on your parents and they asked you to join them?
1506. Did you?
1507. walked in on your parents and asked to join them?
1508. Did they let you?
1509. walked in on your grandparents?
1510. walked in on your grandparents and they asked you to join them?
1511. Did you?
1512. walked in on your grandparents and asked to join them?
1513. Did they let you?
1514. walked in on someone else's parents?
1515. walked in on someone else's parents and they asked you to join them?
1516. Did you?
1517. walked in on someone else's parents and asked to join them?
1518. Did they let you?
1519. walked in on someone else's grandparents (that's as far as we're taking this one)?
1520. walked in on others, unaware that they were engaged in sexual activity?
1521. walked in on others, to discover them engaged in a sexual activity you thought was too weird?
1522. walked in on others, to discover them engaged in a sexual activity you hadn't thought possible?
1523. had others walk in unaware that you were involved in sexual activity and declare 'I didn't think that was possible'?
1524. had others walk in unaware that you were involved in sexual activity and declare 'too weird'?
1525. initiated sexual activity with a member of the medical profession (your doctor, nurse or therapist)?
1526. initiated sexual activity with someone in authority (your parole officer, psychiatrist, or baby-sitter)?
1527. initiated sexual activity with a member of the legal profession (lawyer, judge, or paralegal)?
1528. initiated sexual activity with a member of the academic community (professor, instructor, TA)?
1529. initiated sexual activity with an intellectual (librarian, author, essayist, or scribe)?
1530. initiated sexual activity with someone in uniform (Army, Navy, Marines, Post Office, Cub Scout)?
1531. initiated sexual activity with a member of an 'out' group (someone you wouldn't take home to meet the family, e.g. a biker, air head or securities broker)?
1532. initiated sexual activity with a member of a sports team (or cheerleading squad)?
1533. initiated sexual activity with an acrobatic-type athlete (gymnast, trapeze artist, etc.)?
1534. initiated sexual activity with religious officiary (priest, nun, cardinal, pope, etc.)?

XIII. Kids, Don't Try This at Home
(The Erotic, the Kinky, the Tacky, and the possibly Perverted - 273 Questions)

Have you:
1535. been a member of a fraternity or sorority?
1536. started a fraternity or sorority?
1537. said "I'm normal, its everyone else that's weird"?
1538. said "Hell yeah, I'm weird!"?
1539. told dirty jokes in mixed company?
1540. discussed masturbation (discussing it during/because-of a Purity Test doesn't cut it)?
1541. discussed masturbation with relatives (other than parents or siblings)?
1542. French kissed below the waist?
1543. French kissed someone's bellybutton?
1544. French kissed your own bellybutton?
1545. discussed oral sex techniques (In general, not as part of a lesson)?
1546. asked for instructions in oral sex techniques (again, lecture not lab)?
1547. given lessons in oral sex techniques ('I'm only going to do this once, so pay attention!')?
1548. demonstrated oral sex techniques with a 'visual aid' (carrot, cucumber, taco, etc.)?
1549. demonstrated oral sex techniques with an assistant?
1550. been the assistant?
1551. had someone practice oral sex on you so as to be better for someone else?
1552. demonstrated oral sex techniques for more than one person at a time?
1553. smelled the crotchpiece of underwear (how else can you know if it's clean or not?)?
1554. smelled the crotchpiece of underwear that was worn by somebody else?
1555. smelled the crotchpiece of underwear of whose owner you were unsure?
1556. owned a collection of underwear (not your own)?
1557. owned a collection of dirty underwear (again, not your own)?
1558. been attracted to someone more by an article of their clothing than by their body?
1559. been a voyeur (without their knowledge)?
1560. been invited to watch?
1561. accepted an invitation to watch?
1562. made an invitation to watch?
1563. been in public while wearing just a shirt but no pants?
1564. been in public wearing only a hat?
1565. been in public while wearing only socks (on your feet, shoes optional)?
1566. been in public while wearing only one sock (not necessarily on your foot)?
1567. disrobed in public?
1568. been to a nude beach?
1569. sunned your buns or tanned your can?
1570. tried to tan the underside of your forearms naturally (that is, by use of some star (sun included)?
1571.paraded about in the nude (sprints don't count, nor does while searching for undies after a shower. This must be some serious nudity)?
1572. been sad because someone you knew was getting married?
1573. been sad because someone you knew was getting married and now you'd never get to sleep with them?
1574. used your hair for the sexual arousal of others (beards count)?
1575. used someone else's hair for your sexual arousal (it need not be attached to them - if you like to rub hair clots from your neighbors shower drain on yourself, that works fine)?
1576. searched for the G-spot?
1577. searched for the G-spot and found it (you stud)?
1578. told him he had when he hadn't but you just wanted him out?
1579. rooted for the Klingons?
1580. felt sad because Skywalker killed the Emperor?
1581. wished someone would pop Glenda?
1582. rooted for the Wicked Witch?
1583. contemplated the political, social and geometric possibilities of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs?
1584. wondered where Prince Charming kissed Sleeping Beauty to wake her up?
1585. wondered about the sex life of Smurfette (the only female on the whole damn show)?
1586. anticipated the episode where Azrael would finally eat a few of those little blue bastards?
1587. looked at a solar eclipse without eye protection?
1588. Did your retinas melt?
1589. wondered why Aladdin doesn't have lips?
1590. wish Ariel would lose those sea shells?
1591. accidentally entered a public restroom of the opposite gender?
1592. accidentally entered a public restroom of the opposite gender, not realizing it until you were finished?
1593. intentionally entered a public restroom of the opposite gender?
1594. won the pig pen award for your floor, dorm, fraternity / sorority, college, state, or planet?
1595. pissed on an electric fence?
1596. pissed on the third rail?
1597. pissed into a fire?
1598. streaked, flashed or otherwise intentionally displayed your bod to the general public (without pay, topless dancing doesn't count)?
1599. streaked, flashed or otherwise intentionally displayed your bod to the general public as part of the job (modeling doesn't count)?
1600. posed nude or semi nude for private drawings, paintings or photographs as a 'favor'?
1601. posed nude or semi nude in public (e.g. art classes) as a 'favor'?
1602. posed as a model for purposes of erotic, pornographic or sexually explicit art?
1603. asked someone to pose nude or semi nude for private drawings, paintings, or photographs as a 'favor'?
1604. asked someone to pose nude or semi nude in public (e.g. art classes) as a 'favor'?
1605. asked someone to pose for erotic, pornographic or sexually explicit art or photographs?
1606. asked someone to pose for erotic, pornographic or sexually explicit photographs and there was no film in the camera?
1607. made lewd, licentious or suggestive gestures while dancing in public?
1608. made lewd, licentious or suggestive gestures while dancing alone?
1609. Were you offended?
1610. helped to cover for someone's escapades (provide alibi, accommodations, opportunity)?
1611. been besieged by someone who thought they could satisfy you and make an honest person of you?
1612. been late to work, class or an appointment because you were involved in sexual activity?
1613. skipped work, class or an appointment altogether because you were involved in sexual activity?
1614. read anything by the Marquis de Sade?
1615. been nicknamed for a behavior pattern of yours ('Sleepy')?
1616. been nicknamed for an aberrant behavior pattern of yours ('Sleazy')?
1617. been interrupted by the police while necking, and they were more embarrassed than you?
1618. been an exhibitionist?
1619. been a flasher (exhibitionist with no style)?
1620. had sexual activity with siblings (brother or sisters [not your own])?
1621. had sexual activity simultaneously with both (or however many) siblings?
1622. had sexual activity with twins?
1623. both simultaneously?
1624. had sexual activity with triplets (or more)?
1625. however many simultaneously?
1626. had sexual activity with Siamese twins?
1627. both simultaneously (it seemed assumed, but you never know)?
1628. had sexual activity with a parent and child, not your own?
1629. both simultaneously?
1630. shaved your head?
1631. shaved your pubic region (pits don't count)?
1632. had someone else shave your pubic region?
1633. shaved someone else's pubic region?
1634. shaved your pubic region into a design or shape (star, moon, heart, bear-trap, etc.)?
1635. shaved someone else's pubic region into a design or shape?
1636. colored or bleached your pubic region?
1637. colored or bleached someone else's pubic region?
1638. had sex during menstruation?
1639. performed oral sex on a menstruating woman (or been the woman) (earn your Red Wings!)?
1640. had sex while the woman had a yeast infection?
1641. performed oral sex on a woman with a yeast infection (or been the woman)?
1642. performed oral sex on someone who was urinating at the time?
1643. had sex with someone who was urinating at the time?
1644. performed oral sex on someone who was oozing some unidentified substance at the time?
1645. fucked someone oozing some unidentified substance?
1646. mooned or goosed someone you knew?
1647. mooned or goosed someone you didn't know?
1648. mooned or goosed someone you thought you knew?
1649. "pounced" somebody (You're gonna fuck me NOW!)?
1650. been pounced?
1651. belched (obnoxiously) in general public?
1652. belched the alphabet in general public?
1653. belched the Cyrillic alphabet in general public?
1654. farted (audibly) in general public?
1655. farted the alphabet in general public?
1656. stimulated your partner anally (with your finger, vibrator or whatnot)?
1657. been stimulated anally (with a finger, vibrator or whatnot)?
1658. "basted" somebody (definition in Autoerotica section)?
1659. had somebody "baste" you?
1660. peed in someone's butt (note, this is not on their butt, or in their butt crack, this is IN their butt)?
1661. had someone pee in your butt?
1662. had a posslq, or date leave you for someone of their gender?
1663. left an other-half, posslq, or date for someone of your gender?
1664. picked your nose in public?
1665. picked someone else's nose?
1666. picked someone else's nose in public?
1667. had someone else pick your nose?
1668. had someone else pick your nose in public?
1669. picked someone's nose with your tongue?
1670. had someone else pick your nose with their tongue?
1671. sexually harassed someone?
1672. graded someone's act of sexual harassment?
1673. handed out condoms as party favors?
1674. discussed favorite brand of condom?
1675. comparison shopped for condoms?
1676. inflated a condom?
1677. made condoms into water balloons (or water condoms, as it were)?
1678. chosen a condom or spermicide for its taste (or lack thereof)?
1679. bought condoms?
1680. bought condoms in bulk (more than the standard 12-pack)?
1681. bought condoms by the case (wholesale, not just the 'family pack')?
1682. had to highjack a condom truck (or ship or plane or whatever) to fill your demand?
1683. saved used condoms (for the memories, resale value, whatever)?
1684. bought any other birth control item (contraceptive jelly or foam, or the pill)?
1685. bought any other birth control item in bulk (the Pill, unless you got it for more than one month at a time, doesn't count)?
1686. borrowed/stolen/taken birth control from your or somebody else's parents?
1687. used Coke as a contraceptive douche?
1688. used battery acid as a contraceptive douche?
1689. carried a condom 'just in case'?
1690. carried a condom so people would think you were getting some?
1691. bought a home pregnancy test?
1692. used male urine for a home pregnancy test "just to see what happens"?
1693. was he "pregnant"?
1694. tasted your own sexual fluids?
1695. tasted another person's sexual fluids?
1696. complimented someone on their flavor?
1697. been complimented on your flavor?
1698. complained about someone's flavor?
1699. had someone complain about your flavor?
1700. been in a situation where semen (yours or somebody else's) was shot over someone's head?
1701. where it hit a wall?
1702. where it hit the ceiling?
1703. where it hit somebody's face?
1704. where it hit somebody other than you or your partner (HEADS UP!!)?
1705. where it went in somebody's eye?
1706. where it went up somebody's nose?
1707. where it went in somebody's food or drink?
1708. had your ears pierced?
1709. had your nose pierced?
1710. had your navel pierced?
1711. had your eyebrow pierced?
1712. had your lip pierced?
1713. had your tongue pierced?
1714. had your nipple pierced?
1715. had both of your nipples pierced?
1716. had your genitalia pierced?
1717. had your uvula pierced?
1718. had any other body part pierced?
1719. pierced someone else's nose?
1720. pierced someone else's navel?
1721. pierced someone else's eyebrow?
1722. pierced someone else's lip?
1723. pierced someone else's tongue?
1724. pierced someone else's nipple?
1725. pierced someone else's genitalia?
1726. pierced someone else's uvula?
1727. pierced anything else on a someone?
1728. worn body paint?
1729. painted somebody (that's painted on their body, not painted a picture of them)?
1730. lit your partner's crotch aflame?
1731. had your crotch lit aflame?
1732. worn obscene or suggestive T-shirts?
1733. worn T-shirts with obscene or graphic messages in a language you didn't read?
1734. a tattoo?
1735. an 'obscene' tattoo (words or pictures)?
1736. a tattoo normally concealed by your clothing (George Shultz has a tiger on his butt)?
1737. a tattoo in an intimate location?
1738. a tattoo normally concealed by your hair?
1739. a tattoo normally concealed by your pubic hair?
1740. used any object, longer than it is wide, for sexual purposes (Coke bottle, rolling pin, feather duster, etc.)?
1741. used a feather or other tickling device for the sexual arousal of someone?
1742. been to a funeral as a form of entertainment (a.k.a. Harold of "Harold & Maude")?
1743. considered sex the price a woman has to pay for being married ('just close your eyes and think of England')?
1744. used ice for sexual purposes?
1745. used a frozen object (not ice cubes) as a dildo (popcicle, icicle, etc.)?
1746. used whipped cream for sexual purposes?
1747. put gravy, syrup, honey or other spreadable food on your partner and licked or eaten it (things go better with butter)?
1748. had spreadable food put on you and eaten, or licked off?
1749. used oils (baby, Wesson, etc.) for a body rub?
1750. used erotic lotions (motion lotion, etc.) for a body rub?
1751. used kiwis (the fruit, bird, or shoe polish - doesn't matter) for sexual purposes?
1752. used any food for sexual purposes?
1753. shoved food in a female's naughty bits?
1754. shoved food up your or somebody else's rectum?
1755. eaten the food after it was used in the above mentioned activities?
1756. used a vibrator for sexual stimulation?
1757. bought ben-wa balls, a vibrator, or other sex toy?
1758. given ben-wa balls, a vibrator, or other sex toy?
1759. received ben-wa balls, a vibrator, or other sex toy?
1760. given ben-wa balls, a vibrator, or other sex toy as a Christmas or Hanukkah (or whatever your holiday preference happens to be) present?
1761. received ben-wa balls, a vibrator, or other sex toy as a Christmas or Hanukkah (etc.) present?
1762. used an artificial limb for sexual purposes?
1763. asked someone to wear a particular article of clothing not because it was 'sexy' but because it turned you on?
1764. worn colored underwear (other than white or pink)?
1765. worn bikini briefs?
1766. worn bikini briefs with patterns on them (tiger stripes, etc.)?
1767. worn edible underwear?
1768. had someone eat it off of you?
1769. eaten edible underwear off of somebody else?
1770. worn lingerie?
1771. worn leather lingerie?
1772. worn rubber lingerie?
1773. worn fishnets?
1774. worn somebody else's lingerie?
1775. worn a garter belt?
1776. worn a girdle?
1777. made garments out of shaved pubic hair (mittens, sweaters, driving caps, etc.)?
1778. tried to figure out the words to "Louie Louie"?
1779. been to a John Water's film (Pink Flamingos, anything starring Divine)?
1780. more than once?
1781. seen Eraserhead or Tetsuo the Iron Man?
1782. more than once?
1783. seen The Wall?
1784. more than once?
1785. seen A Clockwork Orange?
1786. more than once?
1787. thought of becoming a Veterinarian because your first love died of hoof & mouth?
1788. had sex in the presence of animals (other than humans)?
1789. had animals walk on you while you were having sex?
1790. thought of becoming a vegetarian because the saddest day in your life was when your first love was sent to market?
1791. thought to make a contribution to science in similar fashion to Madame D'Stael?
1792. urinated anywhere other than in an acceptable location or receptacle (i.e. in a sink, wastepaper basket, glove compartment)?
1793. urinated off of a bridge or tall building?
1794. defecated anywhere other than in an acceptable location or receptacle (i.e. car seat, microwave, or salad spinner)?
1795. pissed in your pants?
1796. shit in your pants?
1797. tasted or eaten shit (the rat shit in pepper and soup (and many other food products) doesn't count)?
1798. more than once?
1799. tasted or eaten shit on purpose?
1800. more than once?
1801. tasted or drunk urine?
1802. more than once?
1803. tasted or drunk urine on purpose?
1804. more than once?
1805. kept unmarked biology specimens in the refrigerator?
1806. kept feces (That's have to be crap, Bob) in the refrigerator (lab specimens do not count)?
1807. kept feces anywhere in your dwelling (under your bed, in your dresser)?

XIV. Don't Worry; I was a Boy Scout
(Bondage and S&M - 55 Questions)

1808. Do you consider Bondage a way of showing that you care for another person (it's the ultimate in trust)?

Have you ('voluntarily'):
1809. improvised bondage extemporaneously during sexual activity (e.g. holding someone's wrists over their head)?
1810. worn a collar/leash for erotic purposes?
1811. worn a collar/leash for some other purpose (for fashion or fun counts)?
1812. been gagged for erotic purposes?
1813. been gagged for some other purpose (for fashion or fun counts)?
1814. been gagged with somebody else's underwear?
1815. been tied up for erotic purposes (ropes, scarves, ties)?
1816. been tied up and fucked?
1817. been tied up and NOT fucked (teased)?
1818. been tied up and masturbated upon?
1819. been tied up and had to watch others?
1820. been tied up knowing you might be seen by others?
1821. been tied up with the intention of being seen by others?
1822. been tied up and shown to others, only you didn't know this was intended?
1823. willingly had your head inserted in a toilet bowl or urinal?
1824. tied someone up for erotic purposes?
1825. tied someone up and fucked them?
1826. tied someone up and NOT fucked them?
1827. tied someone up and masturbated on them?
1828. tied someone up and had them watch?
1829. tied someone up and shown them to others?
1830. tied someone up and shown them to others, only he/she didn't know this was intended?
1831. been bound in chains?
1832. been bound and had someone whip you?
1833. been whipped until you bled?
1834. bound someone in chains (handcuffs, leg irons or plain chain)?
1835. bound someone and whipped them?
1836. whipped someone until they bled?
1837. had candle wax put on your nipples?
1838. had candle wax put on your buttocks?
1839. had candle wax put on your genitals?
1840. had candle wax put on any other body parts?
1841. put candle wax on someone else's nipples?
1842. put candle wax on someone else's buttocks?
1843. put candle wax on someone else's genitals?
1844. put candle wax on any other body parts of someone else?
1845. practiced flagellation?
1846. gotten any good at it?
1847. used duct tape for bondage purposes (remove slowly!)?
1848. been hit with a 2x4 for sexual purpose (it's more fun than you can shake a stick at)?
1849. been hit with a brick or cinder block for sexual purposes?
1850. fantasized of being tied up for erotic purposes?
1851. fantasized of tying someone up for erotic purposes?
1852. fantasized of tying someone up to show them to others?
1853. fantasized of tying someone up to have them watch?
1854. bought B&D literature?
1855. read "The Story of O"?
1856. read both volumes of "The Story of O"?
1857. seen the movie "The Story of O"?
1858. posed for B&D drawings?
1859. posed for B&D photographs?
1860. asked someone to pose for B&D drawings?
1861. asked someone to pose for B&D photographs?
1862. asked someone to pose for B&D movies?

XV. Mama Always Told Me to Share
(Group Sexual Activities - 36 Questions)

Have you:
1863. been in intimate contact with more than one person at a time?
1864. been in intimate contact with more than one nude person at a time?
1865. skinny-dipped in mixed company?
1866. participated in group masturbation (each member masturbating themselves, a 'circlejerk')?
1867. participated in a group masturbation contest (first to come/last to come/most colorful/soggy cookie/ whatever)?
1868. won a group masturbation contest?
1869. lost a masturbation contest (Eat the cookie!)
1870. participated in group masturbation (everyone masturbating one another)?
1871. participated in a group masturbation contest (first to come/last to come/whatever)?
1872. played any game which required the removal of clothing (strip poker, Monopoly, chess)?
1873. deliberately lost a game which required the removal of clothing (folding with four aces)?
1874. played a game which required you or others to perform a sexual action on another participant?
1875. been to a Wesson (or whatever) oil party?
1876. walked in on others, unaware that they were engaged in sexual activity, and been asked to join and did so?
1877. had others walk in unaware that you were involved in sexual activity and ask to join?
1878. had others walk in unaware that you were involved in sexual activity and you asked them to join?
1879. been involved in a menage-a-trios?
1880. been involved in a homosexual menage-a-trois?
1881. been invited to be involved in a menage-a-trios?
1882. invited someone to join in a menage-a-trios?
1883. participated in a two (or more) in one (hands don't count)?
1884. participated in group sex (four or more people; partners must be exchanged)?
1885. had sex in a group (four or more people; partners not exchanged)?
1886. participated in a circle-o-fuck?
1887. participated in a homosexual circle-o-fuck?
1888. participated in a '69' circle?
1889. participated in a homosexual '69' circle?
1890. participated in an orgy or similar group activity (four or more people; everybody licking and sucking and fucking everybody else)?
1891. made an invitation to join in an orgy or similar group activity?
1892. ever been involved in a gang-bang [banger or bangee (step right up, come and get it while it's hot)]?
1893. participated in a fuck-a-thon (where the object is to see how many times you can have sex in a set time)?
1894. ever performed oral sex on somebody after they had had intercourse with somebody else (without that person washing or douching)?
1895. ever performed oral sex on somebody after they had had intercourse with somebody else (without washing) and you didn't find out about the first person until later?
1896. ever had somebody perform oral sex on you while you were having intercourse with somebody else (pretty picture, eh?)?
1897. ever had the person you were having intercourse with perform oral sex on you during intercourse (flexible!)?
1898. ever performed oral sex on a person with which you were currently having sexual intercourse?


XVI. Old MacDonald had his Farm, E-I-E-I-OHHHHHHH!
(Bestiality - 35 Questions)

Have you:
1899. flirted with animals?
1900. interpreted an animals actions as flirting (with you)?
1901. masturbated onto an animal?
1902. masturbated with (using the aid of) an animal?
1903. masturbated with an animal because you thought the animal enjoyed it?
1904. performed oral sex on an animal?
1905. received oral sex from an animal?
1906. attempted to receive oral sex from an animal, but failed (Oooh, that's gonna need stitches)?
1907. used in sexual activities a lab animal (mouse, gerbil, etc.)?
1908. used in sexual activities a domestic animal (dog, cat, etc.)?
1909. used in sexual activities a farm animal (cow, sheep, chicken, etc.)?
1910. used in sexual activities a wild animal (tiger, lion, buffalo, etc.)?
1911. used in sexual activities a flock of canaries?
1912. fucked a live animal?
1913. fucked a live animal more than once?
1914. fucked more than one kind of animal?
1915. fucked more than one kind of animal at the same time?
1916. been fucked by an animal?
1917. been fucked by the same animal on a regular basis (some might say you were dating)?
1918. been fucked by more than one animal at a time?
1919. been fucked by more than one species at a time?
1920. used the horn of a unicorn as a dildo?
1921. performed sexual activity with any mythical creature?
1922. inserted [generally somewhat small]animals (gerbils, etc.) into a female's (including your own) naughty bits?
1923. inserted [small] animals into your or somebody else's rectum?
1924. had an animal die during any of the above activities?
1925. fucked a dead animal?
1926. fucked a dinner animal (stuff that turkey, Clyde!)?
1927. been fucked by a dead animal?
1928. tied up an animal and performed sexual acts on it?
1929. fed a live animal to a pet?
1930. been to a dog or cock fight?
1931. tortured an animal for your own pleasure?
1932. mutilated any animal for your own pleasure?
1933. eaten the animal after you performed any of the above activities?

XVII. Let There Be Lips!
(The Rocky Horror Picture Show [RHPS] - 47 Questions)

Have you:
1934. seen RHPS (video or wherever)?
1935. seen RHPS in the theater?
1936. seen RHPS more than 69 times in the theater?
1937. more than 100 times?
1938. more than 500 times?
1939. more than 1000 times?
1940. more than 1500 times?
1941. Are you Sal Piro?
1942. joined the national RHPS fan club?
1943. bought the RHPS soundtrack?
1944. bought the RHPS soundtrack on the original vinyl?
1945. bought a copy of the video (videocassette)?
1946. bought a copy of the video (reel-to-reel)?
1947. bought a theater for the sole purpose of showing RHPS?
1948. seen RHPS with a live cast?
1949. seen RHPS while drunk or stoned?
1950. seen RHPS while on acid?
1951. seen RHPS while on any other drug?
1952. seen The Rocky Horror Show (the musical play)?
1953. dressed in costume for an RHPS?
1954. Do you know the entire movie by heart (lyrics and dialogue, without any soundtracks playing. Basically, could you recite the movie right now for us?)?
1955. done the Time Warp in the nude?
1956. done the Time Warp in the nude in mixed company?
1957. participated in an RHPS production?
1958. participated in an RHPS as a character of the opposite sex?
1959. participated in an RHPS as more than one character in one show?
1960. while you were participating, had "prop failure" (costume falling off revealing more than intended)?
1961. caused someone else to have prop failure?
1962. participated in an RHPS production while stoned or drunk?
1963. participated in an RHPS production while on acid?
1964. participated in an RHPS production while on any other drug?
1965. during an RHPS, necked/petted?
1966. during an RHPS, had oral sex?
1967. during an RHPS, fucked (FUCK the back row!)?
1968. been kicked out of an RHPS?
1969. been a member of an RHPS cast?

Have you performed, for an entire show, the part of:
1970. Frank-N-Furter (a scientist)?
1971. Janet Weiss (a heroine)?
1972. Brad Majors (a hero) 1973. Riff Raff (a handyman)?
1974. Magenta (a domestic)?
1975. Columbia (a groupie)?
1976. Dr. Everett V. Scott (a rival scientist)?
1977. Rocky Horror (a creation)?
1978. Eddie (ex delivery boy)?
1979. The Criminologist (an expert)?
1980. A transylvanian (a transylvanian)

XVIII. Eyes on Your Own Papers, Please (Testing - 20 Questions)

Have you:
1981. had an unauthorized crib sheet for a test?
1982. flunked an IQ test?
1983. had to study for a blood test?
1984. lied on a Purity Test to improve you score?
1985. lied about your score in order to impress someone?
1986. done something with the intent to 'improve' your Purity Test scores or used a Test for inspiration (using the Purity Test as a check-list)?
1987. been jealous of, or impressed by, someone else's test scores?
1988. made fun of someone's score to their face?
1989. read a Purity Test aloud, without omitting sections or being embarrassed?
1990. taken a group Purity Test?
1991. taken any form of a Purity Test more than five times?
1992. taken any of the post-millennial (that's over 1000 questions) forms of the Purity Test more than 69 times (get a LIFE)?
1993. taken every form of the Purity Test ever written?
1994. administered a group Purity Test?
1995. participated in a Purity Test with ulterior motives?
1996. remembered something by taking a Purity Test?
1997. forgotten something by taking a Purity Test (maybe you shouldn't get THAT drunk while taking it)?
1998. written or re-written a Purity Test?
1999. If you've done something not mentioned on this test, say it aloud and let the group decide if you should get a point for it (maximum one point per person).
2000. If you weren't offended, bothered or disturbed by ANYTHING on this test, give yourself a point.

Warranty:
We hope that you have enjoyed this test. It does not come with a warranty, nor does it guarantee that it will get you laid or make you somehow somewhat better in bed or the haystack. The makers of this test are not responsible for any liabilities or damages resulting from this test, including but not limited to paternity suits.

Disclaimer:
The user of this test acknowledges that sex is a hazardous sport; that a person must copulate in control, and use good judgment at all times; that partners' conditions vary constantly and are greatly affected by weather changes and previous use; and that dirty sheets, variations in terrain and bed surfaces, spouses/pimps/ managers, forest growth, rocks and debris, clothed obstacles, and many other natural and man-made obstacles and hazards, including other users and customers, exist throughout the bedroom area. Personal managers (pimps/spouses) and sado-masochistic operations and equipment are constantly in use and may be hazardous to those not copulating in control. Impotence, collisions, and social diseases resulting in injury can happen at any time, ev en to those copulating in control with proper sexual equipment. Inherent risks are part of the sport and may exist within your partner. As a condition of being permitted to use the facilities of your partner, the user of this test agrees to copulate in co ntrol and within the limits of his/her ability, and further acknowledges and accepts these hazards, dangers, and risks and assumes the risk of injury or loss to person or damage to property that might result from use of the partner's facilities.

As a further condition of being permitted to use the facilities of your partner, the customer understands and agrees that: (1) in the event of a transfer of use by another or anything else in the management's opinion is misconduct, misuse, kinky, impotence, or nuisance, this service may be revoked without refund; (2) the partner is the property of the harem and, upon request, s/he must be presented to any authorized representative of the pimp/spouse; (3) sexual equipment must be visibly displayed at all times when you are in any bedroom and when approaching the bed to copulate. Your sexual partner is not transferable; see Theft of Services, V.S.A., sections 2581 and 2582.

This product is meant for educational purposes only. Ask your doctor or pharmacist. Do not open back panel; no user serviceable parts inside. Propagate (this test) at will, even without the written permission of the publisher; just don't edit or change it. You may or may not have additional rights which ma y vary from state to state (i.e. inebriated, ecstasy). Not recommended for children under twelve. Parental guidance discouraged and frowned upon. Pencils, additional paper, and batteries not included. Does not come with any other figures. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. Void where prohibited. Some assembly required. List each check separately by bank number. Contents may settle during shipment. Use only as directed. No other warranty expressed or implied. Do not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment. Postage will be paid by addressee. Subject to CAB approval. This is not an offer to sell securities. Apply only to affected area. May be too intense for some viewers. Do not stamp. Use other side f or additional listings. For recreational use only. Do not disturb. All models over 18 years of age. If condition persists, consult your physician. No user-serviceable parts inside. Freshest if eaten before date on carton. Subject to change without notice. Times approximate. Simulated picture. No postage necessary if mailed in the United States. Breaking seal constitutes acceptance of agreement. For off-road use only. As seen on TV. One size fits all. Many suitcases look alike. Contains a substantial amount of non-tobacco ingredients. Colors may, in time, fade. We have sent the forms which seem to be right for you. Slippery when wet. For office use only. Net weight before cooking. Not affiliated with the American Red Cross. Drop in any mailbox. Edited for television. Keep cool; process promptly. Post office will not deliver without postage. List was current at time of printing. Return to sender, no forwarding order on file, unable to forward. Not responsible for direct, indirect, incidental, or consequential damages resulting from any defect, error, or failure to perform. At participating locations only. Not the Beatles. Penalty for private use. See label for sequence. Substantial penalty for early withdrawal. Do not write below this line. Falling rock. Lost ticket pays maximum rate. Your canceled check is your receipt. Add toner. Place stamp here. Avoid contact with skin. Sanitized for your protection. Be sure each item is properly endorsed. Sign here without admitting guilt. Slightly higher west of the Mississippi. Employees and their families are not eligible. Beware of dog. Contestants have been briefed on some questions before the show. Limited time offer, call now to insure prompt delivery. You must be present to win . No passes accepted for this engagement. No purchase necessary. Processed at location stamped in code at top of carton. Shading within a garment may occur. Use only in well-ventilated area. Keep away from fire or flame. Replace with same type. Approved f or veterans. Booths for two or more. Check here if tax deductible. Some equipment shown is optional. Price does not include taxes. No Canadian coins. Not recommended for children. Prerecorded for this time zone. Reproduction strictly prohibited. No solicitors. No alcohol, dogs, or horses. No anchovies unless otherwise specified. Restaurant package, not for resale. List at least two alternate dates. First pull up, then pull down. Call toll free before digging. Driver does not carry cash. Some of the trademarks mentioned in this product appear for identification purposes only. Record additional transactions on back of previous stub. This supersedes all previous notices. Drive carefully; 90% of the people in the world are caused by accidents. The above is a public service announcement of this institution.

original (1500 point) by japfaff@miavx1.acs.muohio.edu and The Erotic Nightmare Revue
rewrite (2000) by vierjw@ucunix.san.uc.edu and jbazeley@umich.edu and the rest of the crew.

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